New Game...

Good day dear friends,

I'm not sure how I should start with this one... Well, I went out for date, a real date... Lets call this cutie, H. So what happen was this, we met each other online, and since his line was bad, he suggested texting each other. And so we did, from evening till late night along with an arrangement to meet the following day for a meeting. And so the day came and we met, unexpectedly in a dermatology clinic. Dear H was having some sort of a skin disorder at the time. And we shot out from there. To summarize it, we watched a movie, had 2 meals, a drink at the mamak (at my request) and a few sittings by some roads because the chatting never stopped. We just went on and on and on from family to work, school and life in a nut shell. Record timing for a date out of the house without sex, 10 hours. haha... And I am very proud to say that we are both very much into each other.



So, for a while now, I've been meeting him everyday and we never seem to stop talking either about one thing or another. A real sweetheart, (I say that about everyone right? haiz... this guy is different...) from the way he treats me and the way he sees things, matured i should say.
Even after 1 week plus of meeting each other everyday, we still have so much to talk about. And we can talk openly and whatever thoughts we have in mind and we will both understand it..

Anyway, I'm just lost for words at what to say about this wonderful guy... We both count ourselves very very lucky to find each other. I believe this relationship is going to be a long long ride.... Fun and exciting.... I will do everything I can to make this thing work and I will do everything for him, because I know that he would do the same for me.... So, until further updates....

A new adventure, with a partner whose company I will truly enjoy.... I love you...

Lover Boi

What Is and What Is Not...

Hi everyone,
Again, forgive me for the 2 weeks delay of my supposedly weekly update. So many things have been going on, exams, emotional stress and the naughts... So, lets try to figure out some of these issues...

Who shall we start with? Erm... Lets start with L. Yes, the same L we have been talking about for the past 1 month. The last I mentioned him was that we agreed on putting a halt to our affair. Well, what happened was, less than a week after our conversation in the car, he tells me that he misses me. I sorta like said that its better if you don't miss me so much kinda thing. He got very upset, signed off.. I tried calling him so many times immediately after that, he refused to answer. Said that he wanted to calm himself. About half an hour later, he sent me an SMS that put me to tears again, "I Love You". And I was video chatting with a new online friend, E of mine, whom we shall be talking about after this. So, the very next day I made it a point to go and see him, he tried giving excuses to not see me, I being as I am, insisted. I sat down outside his work place for about 3 hours, seeing him every 40 minutes or so for about 2 minutes. I was glad to see that he was happy and smiling again. And we started meeting again when he comes by and all. Just a few days back we went for breakfast together. By the way, all this things happened last week.



Next, let me introduce you to E, whom randomly found my profile online and wanted to be my friend. So we were chatting that fine day when L sent the SMS. I was having a good time with E, joking and laughing and socializing with him. So, when the SMS came in, I started crying and E, being the kind person he is, was advising me and consoling me. After that he started crying, telling me about his life and how difficult it is for him. We sorta shared our pains together. So, we continued chatting and all, I manja-ing with him. Hugging my pillow and he telling me that he wished that he could hug me and all... (He was watching me on cam) Anyway, when he finally added me on facebook and I saw his pictures properly, I realised that he wasn't my type and I was rather frank with him. Our friend took it so hard, he lost his mind and was contemplating suicide! Imagine that? Cause? Too many rejections. Thank God he didn't though, thinking of his mother and all. We continued chatting and many times he made some noise about how much I take account for how people look rather than their personality only. Throughout this one week, he chats with me, calls me, cries on the phone while talking to me and all. He suggested being BFF (Best friends forever) with me. I agreed to it, at least it'll make him feel better la. I will mention I have a date with somebody, J (another minor character in our story), he would go 'why you trying to make me jealous' and all. BFF he says? hahaha... Oh, I suggested meeting up some time after withdrawing my initial offer to meet (he was emotionally unstable, want me to die ar?!) when he was better, but he refused, scared I will reject him for being ugly (which I did not whatsoever indicate nor do I agree with). So this is E, a person who claims to love me and wants me so badly.

Now the minor character J, just a person I know online. Wants to take me out on a date, which I agreed to but is being canceled for the 2nd time now by himself, forgetful of more important appointments. He is unaware of my affair with L, and I'm not sure how to put it in words also. Btw, J is also not my type, but I already promised him a date, so I stick to my promise. I want to move away from L, but each time he says he misses me or something, I get drawn back to him just like that..

So this is where I am, stuck in the middle of a complicated situation. Happy to be involved so much in this epic drama, but abit stuck. L says he loves me, I like L very much, enough to say I love him but I am trying to move away yet not wanting to.
I know L and I is not right. E, no comments. J, not yet got himself involved with this drama. But I'm trying to see how things are going to work out, I don't want to rush my decisions and regret them later......

Complicated Fun? Complicated fun indeed.....

Lover Boi...

Out of Topic...

Hey dear friends...
I check my blog everyday, signing into the dashboard everyday, only to give up typing the latest update... I am currently in a situation where its difficult even for me to decide what is and what is not.... To fix it all up in a puzzle and put it down here is.... too much of effort I should say for the time being.. I'm not sure of my decisions, so I cannot just write the story just like that... I'll try to get it up by the end of the week hopefully... Please forgive me... Love you all...

take care...

Yours Sincerely,
Lover Boi

Complicated Fun....

Hey guys, sorry for the long silence. Was wondering how to put whatever that happened in words while it was happening. Too many uncertainties.

Well, to be honest, the part I left out is that L, is already in a relationship with another guy whose given everything he can for his relationship. So we all know what I was, the most hated of all...

So through this few weeks, it was all a complicated story. Whether I mean something or not, is his BF and him working out or not, whats going to happen... Who am I to him? Who is he to me? I was thinking of him everyday, every meal and all by the time I was thinking of all this mind you. In love, probably...

Anyway, tried ending it once, cried my heart out because what I did was hurtful, for the best, but cuts deep. Regretted the next day, apologised and all, and a few days later, we were back together again. Couldn't take it that we were parting from each other. So we were still texting and meeting for drinks and all like before. (of course I gave conditions that I don't want him to leave his BF just like that and all la of course)



We met a few days back, to go for dinner, then we went driving in his car. We didn;t do much, was late, couldn't spend much time together. We met the following day again, went to his place, picked him up and off we went to the park for a long walk. When we got back to the car, wanted to kiss him, but he didn't want to. (we did kiss in the park though). To me, it was like, whats going on? A change of heart? I asked him what he wanted at the end of that ride back, and we ended out little 'affair' there, simply with a hug, that hug that meant so much to me... That assured me that everything would be ok. (sad....)

Today, we still text each other in the mornings and all, never chat because of his bad internet connection. We still miss each other, he suggested that we let things happen naturally between us. How is that? I wouldn't know. But yeah, thats the story of L and me. The 5 year Chee Cheong Fun deal is still on though.

So what am I now? Square 1 again, sitting in front of the computer, chatting with new friends, studying at the side, hoping that someone whom I like would turn up to turn my world upside down again. Till then, I need to be strong and hold on to myself. Alone again.
Nothing's ever easy..... haiz...

Lover boi

Chee Cheong Fun.....

Hello everybody, everybody, everybody!!! Come on everybody everybody...!!
Pa Pa Pa Pa Pa... Pa...... Pa pa pa pa..pa......... hahaha...

So, who is this Chee Cheong Fun? Simple, this chee cheong fun is the guy that I really really like and think of everyday nowadays. The guy I stay up late with just to chat and share thoughts.... Chee Cheong Fun was the thing that got us together.

Anyway, yeah, this guy is called L, from my last entry. We've already met quite a number of times. Just the other day, we met again for supper around 11pm. Missing him so much, and he me as well, he decided to ask me out for dinner unexpectedly, I called him for recommendation and he suggested dinner together. And so it was set, he drove and I followed behind from Timesquare all the way to Hulu Langat Hill. That area he took me to was so closed up and hidden, little did I expect to see so many people there. Anyway, we had out supper and dinner at this place called 'Look Out Point'.



One of the most romantic places I've ever been to. The view there... wow...



After our meal we went up further up the hill to enjoy its beautiful view... tried taking a couple of pictures there, the pictures didn't come out well, too dark. Anyway, while we were talking down from the spot.. This feeling of comfort and happiness indulged me. To be walking next to such a nice and cute guy... So loving and understanding. We kissed on our way down. (and in the car before we both drove down the hill, took advantage of the dark surroundings....hehe...)

What made me most happy was that I could feel his feelings for me in the hugs and kissing that he gives me. I hugged him tight, wishing that I never had to let go, and I could feel that in his hugs as well... Our foreheads touching and nose rubbing against each other, hands holding his face, looking him in the eyes. The words weren't necessary anymore, all was spoken in that moment.

We both knew what was being said...

Lover Boi..

UP...

Hey there people,

A few days ago, after school (more like during), a few of my classmates and I made a trip to KLCC to watch a movie, and (thanks captain obvious) turned out to be UP. I've heard and read a little about UP before, a married church go-er whom I am acquainted with, share something with us about her devoted husband who gave up as much as he could to be there for his family, his job, his time, ever since schooling days till the time they had their first child. All for the love of his wife and kids. And she mentioned that he was always trying to help her achieve her dream, UP made her realise that and like Elle, her dream was to be with him and she wanted him to start his own adventure.



So, that was what was driving me to watch UP so much and I finally managed to after about a month of waiting. I've asked the ex, before we broke up to lend me the CD and if possible watch it with me......the day never came...... (sigh...)

Anyway, I watched the show none the less. Though not with the company I expected, but it was good. And close to the ending, it was there, the part that I was looking forward to (I didn't know what it was at the time), when the Carl opened Elle's adventure book and saw pictures of him and his wife there throughout their marriage and life. The most touching part was the few words she had there for him after all those memorable pictures, "I've had my adventure, now go get a new one" (not sure of the exact words, if I recall, this is what it said la). Go get a new adventure of your own.



Almost cried then, even after the show I almost broke down. But like Eric (Takashi) says, time to move on. Time to get myself a new adventure. Worth while movie... Really touching....

Lover Boi

No More...

Dearest readers, happy and unhappy,
Here I am, standing at the end of doubt. For now, it is settled. The ex' is definitely out of my game. I wish him all the best in what he does and the person he is with.

As for me on the other hand, I have my life to look at, a nearer and further future to look at.. Again, these feelings are into the recycling bin. Hopefully when the right amount of time has passed, all these junk can be thrown out.



Well, regardless of what the outcome of whatever uncertain hopes there were, life still goes on either way. Even if he did ask me back, I would have to consider, since he didn't, I have nothing to lose still.. Its a blessing to know such a boy though, so fragile and so loving. Maybe whatever happened is for the best, after all, what is meant to be will be (though we can make what we want happen).

But never mind all that, lets not cause anymore trouble than there is. A decision has been made, the only option available is to stick to it. Though I am always there just in case I am needed. I hope I stay that way, wiser and smarter than before..

Lover Boi

"How Now?'

Yesterday,was a rather disturbing day. I am a little confuse over the status of my ex and myself. We met up for a drink yesterday, after more than a week of not meeting. The last he met me was to return my stuff.



He keeps telling me to move on, saying that he had already moved on. I being the way I am totally gave up after a while, thinking that since he's having another boyfriend already, he had truly moved on. But yesterday, he gave me some revelations which disturbed me to the core. He wants me back and is dead jealous that I have someone else in mind (someone who is almost impossible to be mine). Now, I am back to that stage of aftermath of break up, Chase? Leave? Beg? Ask? Ignore? Forgive? Take him back?



Whats worse is whether I still feel for him, or have I just suppressed everything that I am oblivious towards my feelings of the past. Taking him back is not going to be easy, its not about this person I have a crush on. Its more of what he said to me before, and what would be in the future. I am again left in confusion over him. Left to rot. I am still expected to make a move and find out and all.... I'll go back and try to figure this out, I wanna hear some opinions. Again, in the dark....
Again!!!!

The Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.

Hey there everyone, sorry for the long pause. Needed a break from everything else.
Anyway, yeah so.. I'm going to update on my current situation.

Well, as the last posting suggested, he wanted to break up with me.... I thought everything was still fine, everything was going smooth, just that regular fights we normally have. But then it wasn't this time, he wanted to leave me.. Was abit hard to accept, but now 2 weeks into it, I am not so heartbroken anymore. The first week were all tears for me, with our friend already with another person. Talk about the speed of light being the fastest speed. Anyway, as long as he is happy and the naughts, we'll just let him be. I have no reason to stay connected to a person who doesn't even have anything to say to me over the net. So good bye to that person, see when I am bored or something.



Anyway, so here I am, 14 days after breaking up, no longer bothered that he has moved on without talking or anything. Because I have decided to let it go, he doesn't want me. Anyway, for the past 1 week, life has been up and down for me, up because somebody special has made me feel special once again ( could it be?!! ), and there are the exams as well, killers.... But all in all, everything is quite fine and I have my mind off the past and into the future. A new nice guy (lets call him L) with wonderful features physically and mentally in sight, and my education.

Though there are a few draw backs, and a few challenges, haha.. When have they become obstacles to me? We'll find a way around it. So good luck to me and my life. Hoping though for a few things.

Till next time..
lover boi in love again

What Lies Beneath #1

Good day dearest friends and ( family don't know my blog, so yeah) friends.
I again have no other place to turn to than to come back here, to you guys to cry on. It's 5.23 am now, I haven't got any sleep and can't seem to close my eyes or get my mind off things. I need to share this with you now, because I truly have no one else to turn to.

I am heartbroken. So very much so disturbed by what I was told just now. Earlier today, I went to the hospital to meet the bf because his baby brother was admitted for high fever. While sitting there by the bedside with him, we started talking about this and that which were mostly arguments, discussion turn argument types. What happened according to each other's view may be different to each other, thats why the argument happened. Anyway, during 1 of the arguments, I walked away, but then I turned back. The argument continued, until he refused to talk to me and this time I really walked away ( I was rushing off to meet my sister for dinner, which didn't happen because I was late). As I was walking out, he sent me a text, a text so familiar, so many times heard over and over again, the text that made me cry each time. 'Its over. I don't want to see you again.' It broke my heart all over again, but I took it lightly, telling myself that he was just angry.

I texted him some 2 hours or so later, asking him to have some dinner. Our friend still being angry, told me off and asked my why I still bothered when I didn't care earlier. (Which I did ask and offered to buy earlier, but our friend was too caught up in anger instead). A few hours after that again I saw him signed in. Asked about whether he had dinner or not and all, he didn't because (he said) he wasn't hungry. I asked him after that if he meant what he said, (thinking that he may have calmed down).

'Did you mean what you said just now?'
'Sorta.'
'So you really meant every word?'
'Yes'

I am now lost. Unsure of anything. Unsure of whether its good that he left me, or will I get so broken down. The person who I admitted that I loved so much, to everybody, even to my grandmother when we were first together. If he comes back, shall I forgive and accept him again like every other time (even after so many times of telling him to not say what he doesn't mean)? Shall I run to him and beg him to take me back? Shall I not take him back? Do I wait? One thing I'm sure of, that I love him so much, and am hurt just as much. Time and again he throws me away. Maybe we are just not meant to be? Everything felt so right. I loved him. I was happy with him. I could talk with him (not so much the serious stuff, but still). But he is not happy with me, I have been hurting him time and time again. Maybe its good he left me, for his own sake. Maybe he'll be happier like that, or with another guy.

I don't know anymore.

Heartbroken. Over and over again.

In Good Times and Bad..

Hey guys, its me... Sorry for the awful long silence. Things have been going fine with me so far. Exam results all screwed up, now preparing for the trial exams and am going to be resitting for all the other papers as well just to cover up the bad remarks. Hopefully it will pay off even though I may not be using these studies to help in my Law degree and career later on.

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about this time is about my relationship. There many times the boy and I just fought, for mostly simple yet difficult reasons. What we all see or if told to another may sound like the smallest thing, but then when we are fighting, it is a very big issue. Varies from person to person I suppose.

So, what do we do when all things seem to go wrong, when he keeps saying 'We're breaking up!' every time there is an argument, when he threatens you with breaking up and hanging up the phone, when he himself doesn't like it? What I tell myself is, this is all just anger, let it pass. Another thing is that I would never say that I want to leave him, because I know I don't want to. Over and over my heart was broken by such remarks, but time and again I just cannot leave him, and he still does come back to me in the end. But how much can be taken?

My only reason I am still with him even through all the hurts and pains is the fact that I love him so very much. I don;t want to leave his side over petty matters, though sometimes what may seem big. He comes back to me each time, telling me that he loves me too.. Yes, its not easy to take it each time such a blow come to the face. But I know what I believe in, and I know where I stand still, to be together in GOOD TIMES and in BAD TIMES. To accept the other person without discrimination and without bringing up their own pasts, something left behind to forget it. Without judging each other, still accepting the wrong person and letting it go.

What I am trying to say is this, somethings we say without thinking it through. Like throwing away your own sexy bf or what. But as couples, there is a commitment made to each other, that is to love each other more and more..... And to not say the things that we don';t mean, sometimes it can turn out too late for anyone....
Till next time,
ciau

Lover Boy

~::the rise of the alcoholic::~

Hey there dear readers...As you've noticed on the title of this post that you have a new born author who is all for party, alcohol, events, fashion and much much more!!!! I will be posting once in awhile and will update on my personal touch of fashion for guys and girls...

So stay with me for more to come... As for now, hasta lavista people!


~raspberry vodka~

The Hope We share

Hey there dearest friends,

Many of us go through the difficult times in life. Some every now and then, some very often. The difficulties faced can range from the tiniest bit of fighting with friends, to more serious stuff like suicidal thoughts and depression. Many a times, people cannot help in the situation and nobody will understand what goes through our minds and how we are taking it.

I go through many of this troubling stuff. It is very very disturbing. And when I turn to someone else to discuss it, somethings always seem to be my fault still, no matter how hard I try to explain how I feel. Nobody can understand what I was going through and how I was feeling. This has been happening all my life, and like many other people in the world who go through their own problems, many a times there is nobody who would listen to us, and so we keep it deep in ourselves. Letting it eat us up slowly bit by bit.

Some things on the other hand are just out of our control. We just cannot help it at all. There is no chance, no matter what we do to avoid something, it still happens. We can complain, we can talk to people, but then it still doesn't change things and cannot help. In the end there is only one thing we can do, hope for the best. 2 ways to go about it, drop it and leave it, run away from everything and make it easier for ourselves OR we can hold on tight, stay strong even in our weakest times, do not lose faith, try our best to help the situation and again hope for the best. There is only so much we can do, most important thing is that we try and not give up so easily. Life is never gonna be any more easier for us nor other people. We all have our own problems, in one form or another. We may be different, but we are all still subject to life and its games.

So, lets face it strongly, looking up, and take it head on. To give up or not to give up. But in the end, either way that comes, there is one thing that we all share, no matter how big or small or rich or poor. We share the hope that everything will be all right, everything will work out fine, everything will still go on. We share that one hope, gay or straight, for ourselves or others, just a spark of hope. And that hope will make all the difference.

To a change and to the hope we share.. Cheers..

Lover Boi..

To What End....?

Suddenly there is so much to say... haha.. Well guys, this posting is going to be about something that I realised quite recently. A lesson learned and hopefully I can understand further.

So, like all relationships, not only relationships actually, life to be specific. Yeah, so like everyday in life, there will always be fights and all. I mentioned relationship because my dearest and I have been fighting ever so often over the smallest things. A simple misunderstanding can lead to an argument to the extent of not talking. Yes and that has been happening like every 2-3 days. Feddup? yes... But still, what to do? When a fight happens, it happens. Its either one of us will get irritated, then the other gets angry, and then all the defensive statements including accusations and finger pointing, for hours.

So, we were talking casually the other day and I mentioned that I missed him and that I'm feddup of fighting ever so often anymore. He agreed. But due to some misunderstandings and some uncalled for words (which eventually would have came out, one way or another), we both started fighting all over again. Well, I realised something some days back ad applied it this time. I didn't get angry, I just talked, reasoned, argued yes, but not angry. Everytime something I didn't like happened, I just said never mind and carried on without getting angry. It didn't stop the argument and fight sadly. Another round of some private and confidential stuff came out, hurt so very much, oh yes it did.... In the end the fight resided and all was fine again, at least I think so la...

Anyways, what I realised was this, whats the point of getting angry? To what end will we reach if we did get angry. Finding the solutions calmly with love and forgiveness was the technique. In the end I still cried, but then I'm very proud of myself that I managed to hold it back throughout the conversation. Even after so long throughout the relationship that almost toppled a number of times but didn't, I thought I've learned alot already, little did I know there was much to learn still. To not get angry is one of those important lessons. Hopefully, it will keep me from fighting with the bf that much.

Whats the point of getting angry? If still want to, to what end? Not going to help anybody. So, something to think about before fighting or arguing, To What End?

Lover Boi

The Relationship Cradle..

Greetings dearest everybody,

The last I updated you was on latest quarrel, immediately after the quarrel actually. I was crying while I typed it.. Well yesterday, the boy and I met and talked it out.

It was a whole "both mad at each other talk' , keeping a distance, not even close to touching each other or holding each other. We talked and all, I explained my part of the story and so did he. Then the silence covered us again, both had nothing to say. In the end we started hugging each other, thought of kissing him but then hesitated. I was afraid that, that may have been the last time I kiss him. And if I do break up with him a few hours later, I don't want him to think that I took advantage or that he kissed me for nothing. That was what was in my mind and that was what I told him also. He said he didn't mind if that was our last kissed.

I poured out everything in my heart. I didn't look him in the face, didn't kiss him back when he kissed me. I just told him about whatever was in my mind. How much I gave in this relationship. I gave him everything I had. I held nothing back. My whole heart and mind went into this relationship with him. All in tears. He hugged me and comforted me. He too started crying after a while, he felt so much worthless, like he meant nothing to anyone, like he doesn't matter to anybody. I hugged him even more, and reminded him like how much he meant to his family and his friends. Especially to me, he meant everything to me. I reminded him of how much he meant to me. How much I wanted to be with him. In the end, we were both 2 boys, crying in each other's arms.

That moment, he reminded me again why I was still with him. Why I love him. He said he didn't want my sympathatic love. Told him that I am with him because of sympathy ( joking of course ), but I loved him genuinely. And now, we are both ok again. Honestly, I don't know if I can take fights like these every week. May die sooner than I know it. Haha... Did I mention he fainted during our chat? Yes he did, it was hard enough being upset, to make me panic as well. Haiz... But in the end, what I want to say is that all this is part and puzzle of a relationship. Like a cradle, rocking back and forth. Only thing we can do is, try not to break the 'bile' till the cradle falls.

Lover Boi...

I Dreamed A Dream...

Hey guys,
Ever heard of that song, 'I dreamed a dream' ? Well its basically about this girl who was young and like all youthful people thought anything possible, thought everything would be ok but in the end realizes that there are 'there are dreams that cannot be'. This post is about my 'dreams that cannot be'.

When I first started off in this relationship, I gave it my all. Everything and every way that I could, defied command and physical fatique. Lack of sleep, sleeping on the uncomfortable floor just for the internet. Even all my savings went into this relationship. Overtime, I came to know this boy more and more... Falling ever more in love with him. Fighting and quarreling, arguing and shouting, not to mention the countless public fights we had, and each time there was something to learn from it. A little more to know, a little more to love from this wonderful person.

I would always asked whether this person loved me, countless times. And then I would ask how much, always asking him to be honest when he answered, "Love is uncountable" he says. "but I know I love you lots". All this while that was what I thought it is, love me with all his heart and mind. Willing to put in everything after a while for the relationship. I thought that although he is still young and still so materialistc, but was the one that I would spend my life with. I dreamed of coming home from work together, seeing each other at home and all, thats my dream. A guy whom I loved and loved me back the same. Anything for his sake or mine.

But then 'tigers come at night', he told me while we were arguing and all just now, that he wasn't ready to be commited, was ready to give it all. Said that we were still young, that loyalty was still no.1 but then whether we would be together always wasn't as certain. It shaked me to the bone, even now, 30 mins have passed and my chest still trembles at what he said. That I put in too much hope, and too high expectations. That he would for sure dissapoint me because of my expectations and his unreadiness to be commited to me. After everything we've been through, he said that he still wouldn't answer my question if I asked him to marry me. Although several times when I talked about it he said yes. Everytime I asked was like I didn't trust him. When I thought better and trust, I get dissapointed that he didn't love me completely because it wasn't totaly him in this relationship. Just part of him, 'wanting to be in one to see how long it last'. All this while I thought.... We are still together, didn;t break up nothing. But then it seems to me that 'turn my dreams to shame'. Maybe I'm just asking for too much of his time and his attention. Thought that he would give me everything. Thought that we feel the same way. I was wrong.

Now all I can do is work with what I have and try to make things work out again.

'But still I dreamed he'll come to me,
And we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot wheather'.

Lover Boi in tears

Dearest Mr. S

A little about my good friend Mr. S,

I have this friend, whom I was not too close, but close enough to talk to once... His name was Mr. S. I enjoyed his company, always talking about our BF this or his BF that and all... For the past month, I've noticed that Mr. S has sort of withdrawn into himself... Not even sharing what he has in mind. I wonder what went wrong... I thought that perhaps I did something to him. But I don't recall anything nor does he hint it.

From what I read in his blog recently, I may have missed out on a few important events of my friends life. He felt the hurts of being neglected, hurt, unmet expectations, all that come and go in a relationship. He may have broken up, I wouldn't know.. So now, I only wait for this good friend of mine to come back online and talk with him. I somehow feel guilty that I never kept him close at hand to chat. I blame myself for this void between us... I'm sorry, Mr S. Forgive me....

Lover Boi..

A Day To Remember

Hey there guys, I know, its been a while. I'm sorry... Too many things have been happening around me and I'm not too sure on how to put it in words...

Some 6 days back, the boy and I got into one of our trice weekly fights (I know.. we fight alot). It started off with the bf's lack of words during our daily online conversations. We have this thing of coming online everyday to meet each other and spend our time together. Although its not physically there, at least his conscience is there with me.

Anyways, he was not really with me that fine day. I as always kept pestering him about not giving me his attention and all. He said that he didn't need me pressuring him, that he is already stressed and depressed enough. When something like that is said, of course it would draw my concern out right. But, he refused to tell me. And there I went again with not sharing with me. And so we fought, best part is, in circles. Me b;aming him and him me. Even at the very end when we alomist settled, it restarted. Suddenly he said that he wanted to break off. Said that we were going no where. Better to remain as friends. Sorry. I hung up the phone at that instant. But he continued on MSN. I just told him to stop talking and think. But he kept saying it. Then he compromised and said, 'ok fine, then we take a break till saturday, but we text like normal and all'. My answer was no, no limit, and not texting. Intention was to put enough thought into whether we want to stay together or not. Too many times have I got such thing from him. We never talked for the rest of the day.

My heart ached. My mood was down. Even mom noticed it. I kept thinking about him and all, but wouldn' text him. I blame the ego. Worried about him, yes. Whether he would try to kill himself again or what.. asked his friend to ask for me. But at the end of the day, I ended up talking with him still and he wanted to be with me he said. The next day we met and forgave each other. And for once in our relationship, our kisses that day meant something more than nothing to him.

I believe that break, although not long was what was needed to remind us of how much we mean to each other.... Not the easiest person to be with due to the differences in lifestyle and interests, but still very much in love. I love you yang....

For my boy,
Lover Boi...

Mind is set...

Dear friends, Boy and Girl (atiqah) haha...

I've made up my mind over a few things.. Firstly, further maths will be out of the way to make way for other stuff.... Secondly, more effort would be put in for studies. I think its time to start working hard and making all of this worth while. And at the same time, I would like to bag a schorlarship to continue my studies, lighten the burden on mum and the sister.

Thats my current focus, to excel in my results and studies and then start the panic session all over again. Doesn't matter what I want to do, because I'm very sure that dead or alive, without good results, I'll enver go anywhere. Thats the plain truth staring me in the face. Even the BOSS (the BF) has decreed that I should put in more effort into my studies. Best part is he even gave me minimum time of 2 hours to study a day. Haha... Not bad eh?

So yeah, thats what we would be seeing. Hopefully, this hard work would pay off and I would do better in my next exams and life and all.... Oh yar, I'm suppose to tell you what Bro. G concluded throughout the sessions, but I can't put it here together now, some people may end up saying TLDR (too long didn't read). So wait up and tune in k, hopefully I'll get it posted soon...

Lover Boi

Messed Up

Good day everybody,

For the countless-th time, I must admit that I'm pretty messed up. Just yesterday, the form to sign up for the main A levels exam came in, and the option to take further maths for the exams was not open to consideration for long, by tomorrow I would have to decide to take or to drop it. I was hoping to drop it, since I wasn't too good at it (only because I never bothered to study it properly). Then a bigger question struck me, what am I going to do with this results? Again, we come back to the situation after form 5, what to do.

I had several ideas in mind, thing is, they are all so vast that I cannot really decide what I want to do. Maybe its easier to bring it down to what I want in my job first, good salary, an office job maybe ( i just want to start wearing shirts again), travelling for business purposes sometimes. What I want to do in life? Own a nice car, travel a few times a year to wherever I want, able to afford clothes and shoes and anything I want without worrying too much (of course I won't be so stupid to buy luxury goods like hell la, I am after all a nobody with a simple lifestyle), a nice and beautiful house and home.

Ideas in my mind, Law, Civil Engineering, Management. Hmm.... None of these require too high level of maths, Law doesn't even require maths. But then mum says its not that I cannot do it, just that I am not giving it attention, thats why I'm not good at it (which is true). I'm just too damn bloody lazy to give it much attention. The BF is the best, 'Your choice'. I wouldn't have asked if that was all I was going to get, thanks captain. If I want to continue, then I would have to give it my all, alot of time would be allocated for it, if I don't, then I still have free time for myself and for whatever I want to do. Maybe its just the discipline. Lets see, today I'll start trying to cover up 1 year ++ worth of studies, if I think I can do it, then I'll continue, if I can't, then 'thanks captain' will happen.

In the end, still so screwed. Haiz......

Lover Boi confused.