The Father issue..

Dearest readers and Atiqah, thanks so very much for staying with me in this journey of my life. Not the easiest part chosen, whether its the right one or not I'm not too sure sometimes. But I know it will all come down to something, an experience. Which is something that no money can buy once it's passed.

Anyway, my father's death anniversary just passed some few days ago. We were all suppose to go for Mass (service) in the evening. However, mum who suggested and agreed on going to church, somehow forgot until I had to call her some half an hour before the service. Anyway, sis, granma and I shot off by cab (which has a miscommunication problem as to me taking the cab instead of driving). We arrive some half way through the Mass. I didn't participate, sis sat outside, and granma went all the way infront. Mum arrived 10 minutes after the service was over. I was pissed off, red hot mad throughout the whole thing.

Anyway, on the way home, mum started questioning the miscomunications with my sis telling me off. That was the trigger, it sent me all out in every direction. Mum scolded saying that Papa wouldn't want us arguing. With that, she got one headshocking shot when I shouted "my father is DEAD!!!'. And that was it, a whole big argument started again, with a pause when I got chased out of the car to the road side. They didn;t go off of course, if they did, I wouldn;t go back home. Anyway, we continued home after that, and all retired to our respective rooms in boiling silent anger. The bf, he came over and manage to cool me down. The fight continued however, at about 2am when a door slammed shut. And who was the one to get it first? Me of course. Argued, got my usual x>10 slaps on the head and face. Argued argued argued... But in the end, it was actually my father I was angry at, but I released onto everybody else. All those times that my father forgot my birthday, never wished me, uncaring attitude from my perspective, everything was released in 1 sentence, ' I don't know my Father'. Purpose of writing the Letter achieved through alternative ways. Now question is, what to do with it?

So we wait for bro. G to help out. Hopefully soon. Stay tuned.
Lover Boi

The Church and I (updated)

Welcome new readers, old (you know what i mean) readers and Atiqah (again..),

I realised some weeks ago that I never actually updated you on the Church and my part in it at the moment. Since I'm bloody hell awake over some unfortunate news and can't seem to be able to close my eyes in peace, I may as well just talk to you guys.

So, to recap, Church, priest says something about me having GF then gone, I withdraw from all church activities, avoided church as much as I can. As you guys read, I was rather angry at the priest for that minor incident which led to many more incidents. But after 2 months, it struck me that staying angry is just too difficult to maintain, so I allowed myself to let go of that fine incident. Though its still fresh in my head, I'm letting it go for my own peace of mind.

What I find unusual was, as far as I try to run from church, I am somehow drawn back to it. As much as I didn;t want to be there, I couldn't bare being away from attending Mass. I suppose the many years of teaching and drilling the the foundation of faith always kept my spirit there, even when my mind refuses to see it.

So now, the priest is also on talking and joking terms with me again. Just the other day he asked me to join back the altar servers to help out the newbies once in a while. Obviously giving me face, but what the heck, it feels good to be back. Though I'm not sure I want to rejoin the boys. But Choir definitely in. Yeehaa..!! Something that I love so much is music, singing in specific. What would Lover Boi be if he never sung.Which was for several weeks, mind you. To not do something you love is not easy.

So thats the church for you and for me. haha.. Hopefully complications don't start again...
Ciauz
Lover Boi

Ba-ke-ro!!!!

Hello and welcome again to another episode of my life,
Well, after 1 week, Bro.G and I met again to have our discussions. Well I didn't manage to complete the task that was supposed to be completed and so we couldn't move on with our progress... The thing is, I just don't know what to say and how to say it. But never mind that.

Anyway, our conversations came to a very much related but 'different way of putting it' question, 'Who are you? Who is Lover_Boi (real name used of course)'. Simple question, but not easy to answer. The answer he asked for is suppose to be from my perspective. The worse part is, my answer has to reflect what I am today from every aspect (be) and must reflect the future that I may/will follow (being). How on Earth do we think of that? Not the easiest thing to think of I must say.

Then we went back into the earlier part of the convo*, that we need to resolve the first part of the whole situation, the suppressed anger that has been accumulated in me. Task? The same like before, write to my late father, expressing everything I never managed to expressed and tell him everything that I want to tell, let out my anger and feelings for him. Again simple, but not easy. And then he said something that I knew was there, I was scared. Scared of the change that may happen if I did what I needed to do and let everything out.

Well, this may help me, may not as well. The thing is, Bro. G used to be a successful lawyer, and a top scorer for psychology, either way, he will get me. Problem there.. haha... But yeah, thats the joke.

Btw, Saturday nite, sister and I didn't sleep. She (younger than me) was busy playing poker online till 5 something AM, I was busy playing Pokemon. Another joke isn't it? haha.. Sorry la, can't help it.

Lover Boi

Inconvenient Truth

Hey there guys and Atiqah (hahaha...),

Well, yesterday was a long day at church, they had this full day adoration of the Blessed Sacrament and different groups were taking turns to spend time there to pray. I was, well, outside the building itself having some serious and also not so serious discussions with a priest-to-be and my godfather.

After spending along while digging as much as I could from Bro. G (the priest to be) about his decision to be a priest ( from successful multimillionaire lawyer to give up everything , its bound to draw your attention isn't it? ), and so I manage to get the story I wanted to hear, but then talks from him as the subject somehow switched to me. And so I had to tell my story as it is, not had, I was completely honest with him even though it was our second meeting (surprising since I couldn't speak to any church person about this). He asked me this and that up to the most personal details of my life (every aspect), and he, like my godfather has mentioned before, concluded that a part deep inside of me, was having problems with my father, my late father's omission (the things he didn't do). Dad and I never really had a relationship, the day to day routine was, 'Morning Pa, Hi Pa, Good Night Pa'. Pathatic isn't it? But yes, that was it. I don't blame him, it was the language barier that stopped my father from talking and being with us. But then I do feel a little sad that we never really got to know each other.

Anyway, I never realised ( if what they say is true) how much this thing has influenced me. Bro. G says that it has led me to look for this affection from other sources. He kept asking me how I feel, but I could not answer he's question, not at all. I had a mixed feeling in me, never really took the time to sort it out. Whenever it came to my father and me, I just brushed it off. Remembering nothing happy of my father and me.

I never took my godfather seriously when he said it before, thinking that it was nothing since i've let my father go a long time ago, but then... If Bro. G could sense that I was angry inside, then there must be something I should do. Anyway, the plan now is to look at this problem and solve it. Perhaps then I could find some peace.

Lover Boi

Apologies..

Dearest Readers,
I need to apologise over my last 2 postings, which I have already deleted. I'm sure if you guys read it, that it was rather, well emotional instead of rational. I wasn't speaking properly. Yes, I know its my blog and I intended to pour my heart and soul into this blog, but then I would like to put a good image as well.

I would like to give special credit to my beloved PLU friend, Mr. S, for talking things through with me and well, knocking some sense into me. I truly appreciate it, my friend.

Lesson is, not caring is not the answer to the problem, as Mr. S said, you can only avoid it for so long, but it will come back and haunt you later on. And that is worse. Care, yes, but there is a way to care and apparently I wasn't caring the right way. I was being selfish. I'm sorry friends (those of you who keep track of my story) and especially you, Sayang. I love you...

Anyway, I just had a thought, well a few times already actually, maybe its time I introduce the Bf here and let us share this blog. It would be quite fun I believe. Since I am no longer myself, but my sayang as well. Why not right? Till next time... Take care... Stay tuned..

Lover Boi ( no longer Hollow Boi)