The Relationship Cradle..

Greetings dearest everybody,

The last I updated you was on latest quarrel, immediately after the quarrel actually. I was crying while I typed it.. Well yesterday, the boy and I met and talked it out.

It was a whole "both mad at each other talk' , keeping a distance, not even close to touching each other or holding each other. We talked and all, I explained my part of the story and so did he. Then the silence covered us again, both had nothing to say. In the end we started hugging each other, thought of kissing him but then hesitated. I was afraid that, that may have been the last time I kiss him. And if I do break up with him a few hours later, I don't want him to think that I took advantage or that he kissed me for nothing. That was what was in my mind and that was what I told him also. He said he didn't mind if that was our last kissed.

I poured out everything in my heart. I didn't look him in the face, didn't kiss him back when he kissed me. I just told him about whatever was in my mind. How much I gave in this relationship. I gave him everything I had. I held nothing back. My whole heart and mind went into this relationship with him. All in tears. He hugged me and comforted me. He too started crying after a while, he felt so much worthless, like he meant nothing to anyone, like he doesn't matter to anybody. I hugged him even more, and reminded him like how much he meant to his family and his friends. Especially to me, he meant everything to me. I reminded him of how much he meant to me. How much I wanted to be with him. In the end, we were both 2 boys, crying in each other's arms.

That moment, he reminded me again why I was still with him. Why I love him. He said he didn't want my sympathatic love. Told him that I am with him because of sympathy ( joking of course ), but I loved him genuinely. And now, we are both ok again. Honestly, I don't know if I can take fights like these every week. May die sooner than I know it. Haha... Did I mention he fainted during our chat? Yes he did, it was hard enough being upset, to make me panic as well. Haiz... But in the end, what I want to say is that all this is part and puzzle of a relationship. Like a cradle, rocking back and forth. Only thing we can do is, try not to break the 'bile' till the cradle falls.

Lover Boi...

I Dreamed A Dream...

Hey guys,
Ever heard of that song, 'I dreamed a dream' ? Well its basically about this girl who was young and like all youthful people thought anything possible, thought everything would be ok but in the end realizes that there are 'there are dreams that cannot be'. This post is about my 'dreams that cannot be'.

When I first started off in this relationship, I gave it my all. Everything and every way that I could, defied command and physical fatique. Lack of sleep, sleeping on the uncomfortable floor just for the internet. Even all my savings went into this relationship. Overtime, I came to know this boy more and more... Falling ever more in love with him. Fighting and quarreling, arguing and shouting, not to mention the countless public fights we had, and each time there was something to learn from it. A little more to know, a little more to love from this wonderful person.

I would always asked whether this person loved me, countless times. And then I would ask how much, always asking him to be honest when he answered, "Love is uncountable" he says. "but I know I love you lots". All this while that was what I thought it is, love me with all his heart and mind. Willing to put in everything after a while for the relationship. I thought that although he is still young and still so materialistc, but was the one that I would spend my life with. I dreamed of coming home from work together, seeing each other at home and all, thats my dream. A guy whom I loved and loved me back the same. Anything for his sake or mine.

But then 'tigers come at night', he told me while we were arguing and all just now, that he wasn't ready to be commited, was ready to give it all. Said that we were still young, that loyalty was still no.1 but then whether we would be together always wasn't as certain. It shaked me to the bone, even now, 30 mins have passed and my chest still trembles at what he said. That I put in too much hope, and too high expectations. That he would for sure dissapoint me because of my expectations and his unreadiness to be commited to me. After everything we've been through, he said that he still wouldn't answer my question if I asked him to marry me. Although several times when I talked about it he said yes. Everytime I asked was like I didn't trust him. When I thought better and trust, I get dissapointed that he didn't love me completely because it wasn't totaly him in this relationship. Just part of him, 'wanting to be in one to see how long it last'. All this while I thought.... We are still together, didn;t break up nothing. But then it seems to me that 'turn my dreams to shame'. Maybe I'm just asking for too much of his time and his attention. Thought that he would give me everything. Thought that we feel the same way. I was wrong.

Now all I can do is work with what I have and try to make things work out again.

'But still I dreamed he'll come to me,
And we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot wheather'.

Lover Boi in tears

Dearest Mr. S

A little about my good friend Mr. S,

I have this friend, whom I was not too close, but close enough to talk to once... His name was Mr. S. I enjoyed his company, always talking about our BF this or his BF that and all... For the past month, I've noticed that Mr. S has sort of withdrawn into himself... Not even sharing what he has in mind. I wonder what went wrong... I thought that perhaps I did something to him. But I don't recall anything nor does he hint it.

From what I read in his blog recently, I may have missed out on a few important events of my friends life. He felt the hurts of being neglected, hurt, unmet expectations, all that come and go in a relationship. He may have broken up, I wouldn't know.. So now, I only wait for this good friend of mine to come back online and talk with him. I somehow feel guilty that I never kept him close at hand to chat. I blame myself for this void between us... I'm sorry, Mr S. Forgive me....

Lover Boi..

A Day To Remember

Hey there guys, I know, its been a while. I'm sorry... Too many things have been happening around me and I'm not too sure on how to put it in words...

Some 6 days back, the boy and I got into one of our trice weekly fights (I know.. we fight alot). It started off with the bf's lack of words during our daily online conversations. We have this thing of coming online everyday to meet each other and spend our time together. Although its not physically there, at least his conscience is there with me.

Anyways, he was not really with me that fine day. I as always kept pestering him about not giving me his attention and all. He said that he didn't need me pressuring him, that he is already stressed and depressed enough. When something like that is said, of course it would draw my concern out right. But, he refused to tell me. And there I went again with not sharing with me. And so we fought, best part is, in circles. Me b;aming him and him me. Even at the very end when we alomist settled, it restarted. Suddenly he said that he wanted to break off. Said that we were going no where. Better to remain as friends. Sorry. I hung up the phone at that instant. But he continued on MSN. I just told him to stop talking and think. But he kept saying it. Then he compromised and said, 'ok fine, then we take a break till saturday, but we text like normal and all'. My answer was no, no limit, and not texting. Intention was to put enough thought into whether we want to stay together or not. Too many times have I got such thing from him. We never talked for the rest of the day.

My heart ached. My mood was down. Even mom noticed it. I kept thinking about him and all, but wouldn' text him. I blame the ego. Worried about him, yes. Whether he would try to kill himself again or what.. asked his friend to ask for me. But at the end of the day, I ended up talking with him still and he wanted to be with me he said. The next day we met and forgave each other. And for once in our relationship, our kisses that day meant something more than nothing to him.

I believe that break, although not long was what was needed to remind us of how much we mean to each other.... Not the easiest person to be with due to the differences in lifestyle and interests, but still very much in love. I love you yang....

For my boy,
Lover Boi...

Mind is set...

Dear friends, Boy and Girl (atiqah) haha...

I've made up my mind over a few things.. Firstly, further maths will be out of the way to make way for other stuff.... Secondly, more effort would be put in for studies. I think its time to start working hard and making all of this worth while. And at the same time, I would like to bag a schorlarship to continue my studies, lighten the burden on mum and the sister.

Thats my current focus, to excel in my results and studies and then start the panic session all over again. Doesn't matter what I want to do, because I'm very sure that dead or alive, without good results, I'll enver go anywhere. Thats the plain truth staring me in the face. Even the BOSS (the BF) has decreed that I should put in more effort into my studies. Best part is he even gave me minimum time of 2 hours to study a day. Haha... Not bad eh?

So yeah, thats what we would be seeing. Hopefully, this hard work would pay off and I would do better in my next exams and life and all.... Oh yar, I'm suppose to tell you what Bro. G concluded throughout the sessions, but I can't put it here together now, some people may end up saying TLDR (too long didn't read). So wait up and tune in k, hopefully I'll get it posted soon...

Lover Boi

Messed Up

Good day everybody,

For the countless-th time, I must admit that I'm pretty messed up. Just yesterday, the form to sign up for the main A levels exam came in, and the option to take further maths for the exams was not open to consideration for long, by tomorrow I would have to decide to take or to drop it. I was hoping to drop it, since I wasn't too good at it (only because I never bothered to study it properly). Then a bigger question struck me, what am I going to do with this results? Again, we come back to the situation after form 5, what to do.

I had several ideas in mind, thing is, they are all so vast that I cannot really decide what I want to do. Maybe its easier to bring it down to what I want in my job first, good salary, an office job maybe ( i just want to start wearing shirts again), travelling for business purposes sometimes. What I want to do in life? Own a nice car, travel a few times a year to wherever I want, able to afford clothes and shoes and anything I want without worrying too much (of course I won't be so stupid to buy luxury goods like hell la, I am after all a nobody with a simple lifestyle), a nice and beautiful house and home.

Ideas in my mind, Law, Civil Engineering, Management. Hmm.... None of these require too high level of maths, Law doesn't even require maths. But then mum says its not that I cannot do it, just that I am not giving it attention, thats why I'm not good at it (which is true). I'm just too damn bloody lazy to give it much attention. The BF is the best, 'Your choice'. I wouldn't have asked if that was all I was going to get, thanks captain. If I want to continue, then I would have to give it my all, alot of time would be allocated for it, if I don't, then I still have free time for myself and for whatever I want to do. Maybe its just the discipline. Lets see, today I'll start trying to cover up 1 year ++ worth of studies, if I think I can do it, then I'll continue, if I can't, then 'thanks captain' will happen.

In the end, still so screwed. Haiz......

Lover Boi confused.