I Dreamed A Dream...

Hey guys,
Ever heard of that song, 'I dreamed a dream' ? Well its basically about this girl who was young and like all youthful people thought anything possible, thought everything would be ok but in the end realizes that there are 'there are dreams that cannot be'. This post is about my 'dreams that cannot be'.

When I first started off in this relationship, I gave it my all. Everything and every way that I could, defied command and physical fatique. Lack of sleep, sleeping on the uncomfortable floor just for the internet. Even all my savings went into this relationship. Overtime, I came to know this boy more and more... Falling ever more in love with him. Fighting and quarreling, arguing and shouting, not to mention the countless public fights we had, and each time there was something to learn from it. A little more to know, a little more to love from this wonderful person.

I would always asked whether this person loved me, countless times. And then I would ask how much, always asking him to be honest when he answered, "Love is uncountable" he says. "but I know I love you lots". All this while that was what I thought it is, love me with all his heart and mind. Willing to put in everything after a while for the relationship. I thought that although he is still young and still so materialistc, but was the one that I would spend my life with. I dreamed of coming home from work together, seeing each other at home and all, thats my dream. A guy whom I loved and loved me back the same. Anything for his sake or mine.

But then 'tigers come at night', he told me while we were arguing and all just now, that he wasn't ready to be commited, was ready to give it all. Said that we were still young, that loyalty was still no.1 but then whether we would be together always wasn't as certain. It shaked me to the bone, even now, 30 mins have passed and my chest still trembles at what he said. That I put in too much hope, and too high expectations. That he would for sure dissapoint me because of my expectations and his unreadiness to be commited to me. After everything we've been through, he said that he still wouldn't answer my question if I asked him to marry me. Although several times when I talked about it he said yes. Everytime I asked was like I didn't trust him. When I thought better and trust, I get dissapointed that he didn't love me completely because it wasn't totaly him in this relationship. Just part of him, 'wanting to be in one to see how long it last'. All this while I thought.... We are still together, didn;t break up nothing. But then it seems to me that 'turn my dreams to shame'. Maybe I'm just asking for too much of his time and his attention. Thought that he would give me everything. Thought that we feel the same way. I was wrong.

Now all I can do is work with what I have and try to make things work out again.

'But still I dreamed he'll come to me,
And we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot wheather'.

Lover Boi in tears