New Game...

Good day dear friends,

I'm not sure how I should start with this one... Well, I went out for date, a real date... Lets call this cutie, H. So what happen was this, we met each other online, and since his line was bad, he suggested texting each other. And so we did, from evening till late night along with an arrangement to meet the following day for a meeting. And so the day came and we met, unexpectedly in a dermatology clinic. Dear H was having some sort of a skin disorder at the time. And we shot out from there. To summarize it, we watched a movie, had 2 meals, a drink at the mamak (at my request) and a few sittings by some roads because the chatting never stopped. We just went on and on and on from family to work, school and life in a nut shell. Record timing for a date out of the house without sex, 10 hours. haha... And I am very proud to say that we are both very much into each other.



So, for a while now, I've been meeting him everyday and we never seem to stop talking either about one thing or another. A real sweetheart, (I say that about everyone right? haiz... this guy is different...) from the way he treats me and the way he sees things, matured i should say.
Even after 1 week plus of meeting each other everyday, we still have so much to talk about. And we can talk openly and whatever thoughts we have in mind and we will both understand it..

Anyway, I'm just lost for words at what to say about this wonderful guy... We both count ourselves very very lucky to find each other. I believe this relationship is going to be a long long ride.... Fun and exciting.... I will do everything I can to make this thing work and I will do everything for him, because I know that he would do the same for me.... So, until further updates....

A new adventure, with a partner whose company I will truly enjoy.... I love you...

Lover Boi

What Is and What Is Not...

Hi everyone,
Again, forgive me for the 2 weeks delay of my supposedly weekly update. So many things have been going on, exams, emotional stress and the naughts... So, lets try to figure out some of these issues...

Who shall we start with? Erm... Lets start with L. Yes, the same L we have been talking about for the past 1 month. The last I mentioned him was that we agreed on putting a halt to our affair. Well, what happened was, less than a week after our conversation in the car, he tells me that he misses me. I sorta like said that its better if you don't miss me so much kinda thing. He got very upset, signed off.. I tried calling him so many times immediately after that, he refused to answer. Said that he wanted to calm himself. About half an hour later, he sent me an SMS that put me to tears again, "I Love You". And I was video chatting with a new online friend, E of mine, whom we shall be talking about after this. So, the very next day I made it a point to go and see him, he tried giving excuses to not see me, I being as I am, insisted. I sat down outside his work place for about 3 hours, seeing him every 40 minutes or so for about 2 minutes. I was glad to see that he was happy and smiling again. And we started meeting again when he comes by and all. Just a few days back we went for breakfast together. By the way, all this things happened last week.



Next, let me introduce you to E, whom randomly found my profile online and wanted to be my friend. So we were chatting that fine day when L sent the SMS. I was having a good time with E, joking and laughing and socializing with him. So, when the SMS came in, I started crying and E, being the kind person he is, was advising me and consoling me. After that he started crying, telling me about his life and how difficult it is for him. We sorta shared our pains together. So, we continued chatting and all, I manja-ing with him. Hugging my pillow and he telling me that he wished that he could hug me and all... (He was watching me on cam) Anyway, when he finally added me on facebook and I saw his pictures properly, I realised that he wasn't my type and I was rather frank with him. Our friend took it so hard, he lost his mind and was contemplating suicide! Imagine that? Cause? Too many rejections. Thank God he didn't though, thinking of his mother and all. We continued chatting and many times he made some noise about how much I take account for how people look rather than their personality only. Throughout this one week, he chats with me, calls me, cries on the phone while talking to me and all. He suggested being BFF (Best friends forever) with me. I agreed to it, at least it'll make him feel better la. I will mention I have a date with somebody, J (another minor character in our story), he would go 'why you trying to make me jealous' and all. BFF he says? hahaha... Oh, I suggested meeting up some time after withdrawing my initial offer to meet (he was emotionally unstable, want me to die ar?!) when he was better, but he refused, scared I will reject him for being ugly (which I did not whatsoever indicate nor do I agree with). So this is E, a person who claims to love me and wants me so badly.

Now the minor character J, just a person I know online. Wants to take me out on a date, which I agreed to but is being canceled for the 2nd time now by himself, forgetful of more important appointments. He is unaware of my affair with L, and I'm not sure how to put it in words also. Btw, J is also not my type, but I already promised him a date, so I stick to my promise. I want to move away from L, but each time he says he misses me or something, I get drawn back to him just like that..

So this is where I am, stuck in the middle of a complicated situation. Happy to be involved so much in this epic drama, but abit stuck. L says he loves me, I like L very much, enough to say I love him but I am trying to move away yet not wanting to.
I know L and I is not right. E, no comments. J, not yet got himself involved with this drama. But I'm trying to see how things are going to work out, I don't want to rush my decisions and regret them later......

Complicated Fun? Complicated fun indeed.....

Lover Boi...

Out of Topic...

Hey dear friends...
I check my blog everyday, signing into the dashboard everyday, only to give up typing the latest update... I am currently in a situation where its difficult even for me to decide what is and what is not.... To fix it all up in a puzzle and put it down here is.... too much of effort I should say for the time being.. I'm not sure of my decisions, so I cannot just write the story just like that... I'll try to get it up by the end of the week hopefully... Please forgive me... Love you all...

take care...

Yours Sincerely,
Lover Boi

Complicated Fun....

Hey guys, sorry for the long silence. Was wondering how to put whatever that happened in words while it was happening. Too many uncertainties.

Well, to be honest, the part I left out is that L, is already in a relationship with another guy whose given everything he can for his relationship. So we all know what I was, the most hated of all...

So through this few weeks, it was all a complicated story. Whether I mean something or not, is his BF and him working out or not, whats going to happen... Who am I to him? Who is he to me? I was thinking of him everyday, every meal and all by the time I was thinking of all this mind you. In love, probably...

Anyway, tried ending it once, cried my heart out because what I did was hurtful, for the best, but cuts deep. Regretted the next day, apologised and all, and a few days later, we were back together again. Couldn't take it that we were parting from each other. So we were still texting and meeting for drinks and all like before. (of course I gave conditions that I don't want him to leave his BF just like that and all la of course)



We met a few days back, to go for dinner, then we went driving in his car. We didn;t do much, was late, couldn't spend much time together. We met the following day again, went to his place, picked him up and off we went to the park for a long walk. When we got back to the car, wanted to kiss him, but he didn't want to. (we did kiss in the park though). To me, it was like, whats going on? A change of heart? I asked him what he wanted at the end of that ride back, and we ended out little 'affair' there, simply with a hug, that hug that meant so much to me... That assured me that everything would be ok. (sad....)

Today, we still text each other in the mornings and all, never chat because of his bad internet connection. We still miss each other, he suggested that we let things happen naturally between us. How is that? I wouldn't know. But yeah, thats the story of L and me. The 5 year Chee Cheong Fun deal is still on though.

So what am I now? Square 1 again, sitting in front of the computer, chatting with new friends, studying at the side, hoping that someone whom I like would turn up to turn my world upside down again. Till then, I need to be strong and hold on to myself. Alone again.
Nothing's ever easy..... haiz...

Lover boi

Chee Cheong Fun.....

Hello everybody, everybody, everybody!!! Come on everybody everybody...!!
Pa Pa Pa Pa Pa... Pa...... Pa pa pa pa..pa......... hahaha...

So, who is this Chee Cheong Fun? Simple, this chee cheong fun is the guy that I really really like and think of everyday nowadays. The guy I stay up late with just to chat and share thoughts.... Chee Cheong Fun was the thing that got us together.

Anyway, yeah, this guy is called L, from my last entry. We've already met quite a number of times. Just the other day, we met again for supper around 11pm. Missing him so much, and he me as well, he decided to ask me out for dinner unexpectedly, I called him for recommendation and he suggested dinner together. And so it was set, he drove and I followed behind from Timesquare all the way to Hulu Langat Hill. That area he took me to was so closed up and hidden, little did I expect to see so many people there. Anyway, we had out supper and dinner at this place called 'Look Out Point'.



One of the most romantic places I've ever been to. The view there... wow...



After our meal we went up further up the hill to enjoy its beautiful view... tried taking a couple of pictures there, the pictures didn't come out well, too dark. Anyway, while we were talking down from the spot.. This feeling of comfort and happiness indulged me. To be walking next to such a nice and cute guy... So loving and understanding. We kissed on our way down. (and in the car before we both drove down the hill, took advantage of the dark surroundings....hehe...)

What made me most happy was that I could feel his feelings for me in the hugs and kissing that he gives me. I hugged him tight, wishing that I never had to let go, and I could feel that in his hugs as well... Our foreheads touching and nose rubbing against each other, hands holding his face, looking him in the eyes. The words weren't necessary anymore, all was spoken in that moment.

We both knew what was being said...

Lover Boi..

UP...

Hey there people,

A few days ago, after school (more like during), a few of my classmates and I made a trip to KLCC to watch a movie, and (thanks captain obvious) turned out to be UP. I've heard and read a little about UP before, a married church go-er whom I am acquainted with, share something with us about her devoted husband who gave up as much as he could to be there for his family, his job, his time, ever since schooling days till the time they had their first child. All for the love of his wife and kids. And she mentioned that he was always trying to help her achieve her dream, UP made her realise that and like Elle, her dream was to be with him and she wanted him to start his own adventure.



So, that was what was driving me to watch UP so much and I finally managed to after about a month of waiting. I've asked the ex, before we broke up to lend me the CD and if possible watch it with me......the day never came...... (sigh...)

Anyway, I watched the show none the less. Though not with the company I expected, but it was good. And close to the ending, it was there, the part that I was looking forward to (I didn't know what it was at the time), when the Carl opened Elle's adventure book and saw pictures of him and his wife there throughout their marriage and life. The most touching part was the few words she had there for him after all those memorable pictures, "I've had my adventure, now go get a new one" (not sure of the exact words, if I recall, this is what it said la). Go get a new adventure of your own.



Almost cried then, even after the show I almost broke down. But like Eric (Takashi) says, time to move on. Time to get myself a new adventure. Worth while movie... Really touching....

Lover Boi

No More...

Dearest readers, happy and unhappy,
Here I am, standing at the end of doubt. For now, it is settled. The ex' is definitely out of my game. I wish him all the best in what he does and the person he is with.

As for me on the other hand, I have my life to look at, a nearer and further future to look at.. Again, these feelings are into the recycling bin. Hopefully when the right amount of time has passed, all these junk can be thrown out.



Well, regardless of what the outcome of whatever uncertain hopes there were, life still goes on either way. Even if he did ask me back, I would have to consider, since he didn't, I have nothing to lose still.. Its a blessing to know such a boy though, so fragile and so loving. Maybe whatever happened is for the best, after all, what is meant to be will be (though we can make what we want happen).

But never mind all that, lets not cause anymore trouble than there is. A decision has been made, the only option available is to stick to it. Though I am always there just in case I am needed. I hope I stay that way, wiser and smarter than before..

Lover Boi

"How Now?'

Yesterday,was a rather disturbing day. I am a little confuse over the status of my ex and myself. We met up for a drink yesterday, after more than a week of not meeting. The last he met me was to return my stuff.



He keeps telling me to move on, saying that he had already moved on. I being the way I am totally gave up after a while, thinking that since he's having another boyfriend already, he had truly moved on. But yesterday, he gave me some revelations which disturbed me to the core. He wants me back and is dead jealous that I have someone else in mind (someone who is almost impossible to be mine). Now, I am back to that stage of aftermath of break up, Chase? Leave? Beg? Ask? Ignore? Forgive? Take him back?



Whats worse is whether I still feel for him, or have I just suppressed everything that I am oblivious towards my feelings of the past. Taking him back is not going to be easy, its not about this person I have a crush on. Its more of what he said to me before, and what would be in the future. I am again left in confusion over him. Left to rot. I am still expected to make a move and find out and all.... I'll go back and try to figure this out, I wanna hear some opinions. Again, in the dark....
Again!!!!

The Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.

Hey there everyone, sorry for the long pause. Needed a break from everything else.
Anyway, yeah so.. I'm going to update on my current situation.

Well, as the last posting suggested, he wanted to break up with me.... I thought everything was still fine, everything was going smooth, just that regular fights we normally have. But then it wasn't this time, he wanted to leave me.. Was abit hard to accept, but now 2 weeks into it, I am not so heartbroken anymore. The first week were all tears for me, with our friend already with another person. Talk about the speed of light being the fastest speed. Anyway, as long as he is happy and the naughts, we'll just let him be. I have no reason to stay connected to a person who doesn't even have anything to say to me over the net. So good bye to that person, see when I am bored or something.



Anyway, so here I am, 14 days after breaking up, no longer bothered that he has moved on without talking or anything. Because I have decided to let it go, he doesn't want me. Anyway, for the past 1 week, life has been up and down for me, up because somebody special has made me feel special once again ( could it be?!! ), and there are the exams as well, killers.... But all in all, everything is quite fine and I have my mind off the past and into the future. A new nice guy (lets call him L) with wonderful features physically and mentally in sight, and my education.

Though there are a few draw backs, and a few challenges, haha.. When have they become obstacles to me? We'll find a way around it. So good luck to me and my life. Hoping though for a few things.

Till next time..
lover boi in love again

What Lies Beneath #1

Good day dearest friends and ( family don't know my blog, so yeah) friends.
I again have no other place to turn to than to come back here, to you guys to cry on. It's 5.23 am now, I haven't got any sleep and can't seem to close my eyes or get my mind off things. I need to share this with you now, because I truly have no one else to turn to.

I am heartbroken. So very much so disturbed by what I was told just now. Earlier today, I went to the hospital to meet the bf because his baby brother was admitted for high fever. While sitting there by the bedside with him, we started talking about this and that which were mostly arguments, discussion turn argument types. What happened according to each other's view may be different to each other, thats why the argument happened. Anyway, during 1 of the arguments, I walked away, but then I turned back. The argument continued, until he refused to talk to me and this time I really walked away ( I was rushing off to meet my sister for dinner, which didn't happen because I was late). As I was walking out, he sent me a text, a text so familiar, so many times heard over and over again, the text that made me cry each time. 'Its over. I don't want to see you again.' It broke my heart all over again, but I took it lightly, telling myself that he was just angry.

I texted him some 2 hours or so later, asking him to have some dinner. Our friend still being angry, told me off and asked my why I still bothered when I didn't care earlier. (Which I did ask and offered to buy earlier, but our friend was too caught up in anger instead). A few hours after that again I saw him signed in. Asked about whether he had dinner or not and all, he didn't because (he said) he wasn't hungry. I asked him after that if he meant what he said, (thinking that he may have calmed down).

'Did you mean what you said just now?'
'Sorta.'
'So you really meant every word?'
'Yes'

I am now lost. Unsure of anything. Unsure of whether its good that he left me, or will I get so broken down. The person who I admitted that I loved so much, to everybody, even to my grandmother when we were first together. If he comes back, shall I forgive and accept him again like every other time (even after so many times of telling him to not say what he doesn't mean)? Shall I run to him and beg him to take me back? Shall I not take him back? Do I wait? One thing I'm sure of, that I love him so much, and am hurt just as much. Time and again he throws me away. Maybe we are just not meant to be? Everything felt so right. I loved him. I was happy with him. I could talk with him (not so much the serious stuff, but still). But he is not happy with me, I have been hurting him time and time again. Maybe its good he left me, for his own sake. Maybe he'll be happier like that, or with another guy.

I don't know anymore.

Heartbroken. Over and over again.

In Good Times and Bad..

Hey guys, its me... Sorry for the awful long silence. Things have been going fine with me so far. Exam results all screwed up, now preparing for the trial exams and am going to be resitting for all the other papers as well just to cover up the bad remarks. Hopefully it will pay off even though I may not be using these studies to help in my Law degree and career later on.

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about this time is about my relationship. There many times the boy and I just fought, for mostly simple yet difficult reasons. What we all see or if told to another may sound like the smallest thing, but then when we are fighting, it is a very big issue. Varies from person to person I suppose.

So, what do we do when all things seem to go wrong, when he keeps saying 'We're breaking up!' every time there is an argument, when he threatens you with breaking up and hanging up the phone, when he himself doesn't like it? What I tell myself is, this is all just anger, let it pass. Another thing is that I would never say that I want to leave him, because I know I don't want to. Over and over my heart was broken by such remarks, but time and again I just cannot leave him, and he still does come back to me in the end. But how much can be taken?

My only reason I am still with him even through all the hurts and pains is the fact that I love him so very much. I don;t want to leave his side over petty matters, though sometimes what may seem big. He comes back to me each time, telling me that he loves me too.. Yes, its not easy to take it each time such a blow come to the face. But I know what I believe in, and I know where I stand still, to be together in GOOD TIMES and in BAD TIMES. To accept the other person without discrimination and without bringing up their own pasts, something left behind to forget it. Without judging each other, still accepting the wrong person and letting it go.

What I am trying to say is this, somethings we say without thinking it through. Like throwing away your own sexy bf or what. But as couples, there is a commitment made to each other, that is to love each other more and more..... And to not say the things that we don';t mean, sometimes it can turn out too late for anyone....
Till next time,
ciau

Lover Boy

~::the rise of the alcoholic::~

Hey there dear readers...As you've noticed on the title of this post that you have a new born author who is all for party, alcohol, events, fashion and much much more!!!! I will be posting once in awhile and will update on my personal touch of fashion for guys and girls...

So stay with me for more to come... As for now, hasta lavista people!


~raspberry vodka~

The Hope We share

Hey there dearest friends,

Many of us go through the difficult times in life. Some every now and then, some very often. The difficulties faced can range from the tiniest bit of fighting with friends, to more serious stuff like suicidal thoughts and depression. Many a times, people cannot help in the situation and nobody will understand what goes through our minds and how we are taking it.

I go through many of this troubling stuff. It is very very disturbing. And when I turn to someone else to discuss it, somethings always seem to be my fault still, no matter how hard I try to explain how I feel. Nobody can understand what I was going through and how I was feeling. This has been happening all my life, and like many other people in the world who go through their own problems, many a times there is nobody who would listen to us, and so we keep it deep in ourselves. Letting it eat us up slowly bit by bit.

Some things on the other hand are just out of our control. We just cannot help it at all. There is no chance, no matter what we do to avoid something, it still happens. We can complain, we can talk to people, but then it still doesn't change things and cannot help. In the end there is only one thing we can do, hope for the best. 2 ways to go about it, drop it and leave it, run away from everything and make it easier for ourselves OR we can hold on tight, stay strong even in our weakest times, do not lose faith, try our best to help the situation and again hope for the best. There is only so much we can do, most important thing is that we try and not give up so easily. Life is never gonna be any more easier for us nor other people. We all have our own problems, in one form or another. We may be different, but we are all still subject to life and its games.

So, lets face it strongly, looking up, and take it head on. To give up or not to give up. But in the end, either way that comes, there is one thing that we all share, no matter how big or small or rich or poor. We share the hope that everything will be all right, everything will work out fine, everything will still go on. We share that one hope, gay or straight, for ourselves or others, just a spark of hope. And that hope will make all the difference.

To a change and to the hope we share.. Cheers..

Lover Boi..

To What End....?

Suddenly there is so much to say... haha.. Well guys, this posting is going to be about something that I realised quite recently. A lesson learned and hopefully I can understand further.

So, like all relationships, not only relationships actually, life to be specific. Yeah, so like everyday in life, there will always be fights and all. I mentioned relationship because my dearest and I have been fighting ever so often over the smallest things. A simple misunderstanding can lead to an argument to the extent of not talking. Yes and that has been happening like every 2-3 days. Feddup? yes... But still, what to do? When a fight happens, it happens. Its either one of us will get irritated, then the other gets angry, and then all the defensive statements including accusations and finger pointing, for hours.

So, we were talking casually the other day and I mentioned that I missed him and that I'm feddup of fighting ever so often anymore. He agreed. But due to some misunderstandings and some uncalled for words (which eventually would have came out, one way or another), we both started fighting all over again. Well, I realised something some days back ad applied it this time. I didn't get angry, I just talked, reasoned, argued yes, but not angry. Everytime something I didn't like happened, I just said never mind and carried on without getting angry. It didn't stop the argument and fight sadly. Another round of some private and confidential stuff came out, hurt so very much, oh yes it did.... In the end the fight resided and all was fine again, at least I think so la...

Anyways, what I realised was this, whats the point of getting angry? To what end will we reach if we did get angry. Finding the solutions calmly with love and forgiveness was the technique. In the end I still cried, but then I'm very proud of myself that I managed to hold it back throughout the conversation. Even after so long throughout the relationship that almost toppled a number of times but didn't, I thought I've learned alot already, little did I know there was much to learn still. To not get angry is one of those important lessons. Hopefully, it will keep me from fighting with the bf that much.

Whats the point of getting angry? If still want to, to what end? Not going to help anybody. So, something to think about before fighting or arguing, To What End?

Lover Boi

The Relationship Cradle..

Greetings dearest everybody,

The last I updated you was on latest quarrel, immediately after the quarrel actually. I was crying while I typed it.. Well yesterday, the boy and I met and talked it out.

It was a whole "both mad at each other talk' , keeping a distance, not even close to touching each other or holding each other. We talked and all, I explained my part of the story and so did he. Then the silence covered us again, both had nothing to say. In the end we started hugging each other, thought of kissing him but then hesitated. I was afraid that, that may have been the last time I kiss him. And if I do break up with him a few hours later, I don't want him to think that I took advantage or that he kissed me for nothing. That was what was in my mind and that was what I told him also. He said he didn't mind if that was our last kissed.

I poured out everything in my heart. I didn't look him in the face, didn't kiss him back when he kissed me. I just told him about whatever was in my mind. How much I gave in this relationship. I gave him everything I had. I held nothing back. My whole heart and mind went into this relationship with him. All in tears. He hugged me and comforted me. He too started crying after a while, he felt so much worthless, like he meant nothing to anyone, like he doesn't matter to anybody. I hugged him even more, and reminded him like how much he meant to his family and his friends. Especially to me, he meant everything to me. I reminded him of how much he meant to me. How much I wanted to be with him. In the end, we were both 2 boys, crying in each other's arms.

That moment, he reminded me again why I was still with him. Why I love him. He said he didn't want my sympathatic love. Told him that I am with him because of sympathy ( joking of course ), but I loved him genuinely. And now, we are both ok again. Honestly, I don't know if I can take fights like these every week. May die sooner than I know it. Haha... Did I mention he fainted during our chat? Yes he did, it was hard enough being upset, to make me panic as well. Haiz... But in the end, what I want to say is that all this is part and puzzle of a relationship. Like a cradle, rocking back and forth. Only thing we can do is, try not to break the 'bile' till the cradle falls.

Lover Boi...

I Dreamed A Dream...

Hey guys,
Ever heard of that song, 'I dreamed a dream' ? Well its basically about this girl who was young and like all youthful people thought anything possible, thought everything would be ok but in the end realizes that there are 'there are dreams that cannot be'. This post is about my 'dreams that cannot be'.

When I first started off in this relationship, I gave it my all. Everything and every way that I could, defied command and physical fatique. Lack of sleep, sleeping on the uncomfortable floor just for the internet. Even all my savings went into this relationship. Overtime, I came to know this boy more and more... Falling ever more in love with him. Fighting and quarreling, arguing and shouting, not to mention the countless public fights we had, and each time there was something to learn from it. A little more to know, a little more to love from this wonderful person.

I would always asked whether this person loved me, countless times. And then I would ask how much, always asking him to be honest when he answered, "Love is uncountable" he says. "but I know I love you lots". All this while that was what I thought it is, love me with all his heart and mind. Willing to put in everything after a while for the relationship. I thought that although he is still young and still so materialistc, but was the one that I would spend my life with. I dreamed of coming home from work together, seeing each other at home and all, thats my dream. A guy whom I loved and loved me back the same. Anything for his sake or mine.

But then 'tigers come at night', he told me while we were arguing and all just now, that he wasn't ready to be commited, was ready to give it all. Said that we were still young, that loyalty was still no.1 but then whether we would be together always wasn't as certain. It shaked me to the bone, even now, 30 mins have passed and my chest still trembles at what he said. That I put in too much hope, and too high expectations. That he would for sure dissapoint me because of my expectations and his unreadiness to be commited to me. After everything we've been through, he said that he still wouldn't answer my question if I asked him to marry me. Although several times when I talked about it he said yes. Everytime I asked was like I didn't trust him. When I thought better and trust, I get dissapointed that he didn't love me completely because it wasn't totaly him in this relationship. Just part of him, 'wanting to be in one to see how long it last'. All this while I thought.... We are still together, didn;t break up nothing. But then it seems to me that 'turn my dreams to shame'. Maybe I'm just asking for too much of his time and his attention. Thought that he would give me everything. Thought that we feel the same way. I was wrong.

Now all I can do is work with what I have and try to make things work out again.

'But still I dreamed he'll come to me,
And we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot wheather'.

Lover Boi in tears

Dearest Mr. S

A little about my good friend Mr. S,

I have this friend, whom I was not too close, but close enough to talk to once... His name was Mr. S. I enjoyed his company, always talking about our BF this or his BF that and all... For the past month, I've noticed that Mr. S has sort of withdrawn into himself... Not even sharing what he has in mind. I wonder what went wrong... I thought that perhaps I did something to him. But I don't recall anything nor does he hint it.

From what I read in his blog recently, I may have missed out on a few important events of my friends life. He felt the hurts of being neglected, hurt, unmet expectations, all that come and go in a relationship. He may have broken up, I wouldn't know.. So now, I only wait for this good friend of mine to come back online and talk with him. I somehow feel guilty that I never kept him close at hand to chat. I blame myself for this void between us... I'm sorry, Mr S. Forgive me....

Lover Boi..

A Day To Remember

Hey there guys, I know, its been a while. I'm sorry... Too many things have been happening around me and I'm not too sure on how to put it in words...

Some 6 days back, the boy and I got into one of our trice weekly fights (I know.. we fight alot). It started off with the bf's lack of words during our daily online conversations. We have this thing of coming online everyday to meet each other and spend our time together. Although its not physically there, at least his conscience is there with me.

Anyways, he was not really with me that fine day. I as always kept pestering him about not giving me his attention and all. He said that he didn't need me pressuring him, that he is already stressed and depressed enough. When something like that is said, of course it would draw my concern out right. But, he refused to tell me. And there I went again with not sharing with me. And so we fought, best part is, in circles. Me b;aming him and him me. Even at the very end when we alomist settled, it restarted. Suddenly he said that he wanted to break off. Said that we were going no where. Better to remain as friends. Sorry. I hung up the phone at that instant. But he continued on MSN. I just told him to stop talking and think. But he kept saying it. Then he compromised and said, 'ok fine, then we take a break till saturday, but we text like normal and all'. My answer was no, no limit, and not texting. Intention was to put enough thought into whether we want to stay together or not. Too many times have I got such thing from him. We never talked for the rest of the day.

My heart ached. My mood was down. Even mom noticed it. I kept thinking about him and all, but wouldn' text him. I blame the ego. Worried about him, yes. Whether he would try to kill himself again or what.. asked his friend to ask for me. But at the end of the day, I ended up talking with him still and he wanted to be with me he said. The next day we met and forgave each other. And for once in our relationship, our kisses that day meant something more than nothing to him.

I believe that break, although not long was what was needed to remind us of how much we mean to each other.... Not the easiest person to be with due to the differences in lifestyle and interests, but still very much in love. I love you yang....

For my boy,
Lover Boi...

Mind is set...

Dear friends, Boy and Girl (atiqah) haha...

I've made up my mind over a few things.. Firstly, further maths will be out of the way to make way for other stuff.... Secondly, more effort would be put in for studies. I think its time to start working hard and making all of this worth while. And at the same time, I would like to bag a schorlarship to continue my studies, lighten the burden on mum and the sister.

Thats my current focus, to excel in my results and studies and then start the panic session all over again. Doesn't matter what I want to do, because I'm very sure that dead or alive, without good results, I'll enver go anywhere. Thats the plain truth staring me in the face. Even the BOSS (the BF) has decreed that I should put in more effort into my studies. Best part is he even gave me minimum time of 2 hours to study a day. Haha... Not bad eh?

So yeah, thats what we would be seeing. Hopefully, this hard work would pay off and I would do better in my next exams and life and all.... Oh yar, I'm suppose to tell you what Bro. G concluded throughout the sessions, but I can't put it here together now, some people may end up saying TLDR (too long didn't read). So wait up and tune in k, hopefully I'll get it posted soon...

Lover Boi

Messed Up

Good day everybody,

For the countless-th time, I must admit that I'm pretty messed up. Just yesterday, the form to sign up for the main A levels exam came in, and the option to take further maths for the exams was not open to consideration for long, by tomorrow I would have to decide to take or to drop it. I was hoping to drop it, since I wasn't too good at it (only because I never bothered to study it properly). Then a bigger question struck me, what am I going to do with this results? Again, we come back to the situation after form 5, what to do.

I had several ideas in mind, thing is, they are all so vast that I cannot really decide what I want to do. Maybe its easier to bring it down to what I want in my job first, good salary, an office job maybe ( i just want to start wearing shirts again), travelling for business purposes sometimes. What I want to do in life? Own a nice car, travel a few times a year to wherever I want, able to afford clothes and shoes and anything I want without worrying too much (of course I won't be so stupid to buy luxury goods like hell la, I am after all a nobody with a simple lifestyle), a nice and beautiful house and home.

Ideas in my mind, Law, Civil Engineering, Management. Hmm.... None of these require too high level of maths, Law doesn't even require maths. But then mum says its not that I cannot do it, just that I am not giving it attention, thats why I'm not good at it (which is true). I'm just too damn bloody lazy to give it much attention. The BF is the best, 'Your choice'. I wouldn't have asked if that was all I was going to get, thanks captain. If I want to continue, then I would have to give it my all, alot of time would be allocated for it, if I don't, then I still have free time for myself and for whatever I want to do. Maybe its just the discipline. Lets see, today I'll start trying to cover up 1 year ++ worth of studies, if I think I can do it, then I'll continue, if I can't, then 'thanks captain' will happen.

In the end, still so screwed. Haiz......

Lover Boi confused.

The Father issue..

Dearest readers and Atiqah, thanks so very much for staying with me in this journey of my life. Not the easiest part chosen, whether its the right one or not I'm not too sure sometimes. But I know it will all come down to something, an experience. Which is something that no money can buy once it's passed.

Anyway, my father's death anniversary just passed some few days ago. We were all suppose to go for Mass (service) in the evening. However, mum who suggested and agreed on going to church, somehow forgot until I had to call her some half an hour before the service. Anyway, sis, granma and I shot off by cab (which has a miscommunication problem as to me taking the cab instead of driving). We arrive some half way through the Mass. I didn't participate, sis sat outside, and granma went all the way infront. Mum arrived 10 minutes after the service was over. I was pissed off, red hot mad throughout the whole thing.

Anyway, on the way home, mum started questioning the miscomunications with my sis telling me off. That was the trigger, it sent me all out in every direction. Mum scolded saying that Papa wouldn't want us arguing. With that, she got one headshocking shot when I shouted "my father is DEAD!!!'. And that was it, a whole big argument started again, with a pause when I got chased out of the car to the road side. They didn;t go off of course, if they did, I wouldn;t go back home. Anyway, we continued home after that, and all retired to our respective rooms in boiling silent anger. The bf, he came over and manage to cool me down. The fight continued however, at about 2am when a door slammed shut. And who was the one to get it first? Me of course. Argued, got my usual x>10 slaps on the head and face. Argued argued argued... But in the end, it was actually my father I was angry at, but I released onto everybody else. All those times that my father forgot my birthday, never wished me, uncaring attitude from my perspective, everything was released in 1 sentence, ' I don't know my Father'. Purpose of writing the Letter achieved through alternative ways. Now question is, what to do with it?

So we wait for bro. G to help out. Hopefully soon. Stay tuned.
Lover Boi

The Church and I (updated)

Welcome new readers, old (you know what i mean) readers and Atiqah (again..),

I realised some weeks ago that I never actually updated you on the Church and my part in it at the moment. Since I'm bloody hell awake over some unfortunate news and can't seem to be able to close my eyes in peace, I may as well just talk to you guys.

So, to recap, Church, priest says something about me having GF then gone, I withdraw from all church activities, avoided church as much as I can. As you guys read, I was rather angry at the priest for that minor incident which led to many more incidents. But after 2 months, it struck me that staying angry is just too difficult to maintain, so I allowed myself to let go of that fine incident. Though its still fresh in my head, I'm letting it go for my own peace of mind.

What I find unusual was, as far as I try to run from church, I am somehow drawn back to it. As much as I didn;t want to be there, I couldn't bare being away from attending Mass. I suppose the many years of teaching and drilling the the foundation of faith always kept my spirit there, even when my mind refuses to see it.

So now, the priest is also on talking and joking terms with me again. Just the other day he asked me to join back the altar servers to help out the newbies once in a while. Obviously giving me face, but what the heck, it feels good to be back. Though I'm not sure I want to rejoin the boys. But Choir definitely in. Yeehaa..!! Something that I love so much is music, singing in specific. What would Lover Boi be if he never sung.Which was for several weeks, mind you. To not do something you love is not easy.

So thats the church for you and for me. haha.. Hopefully complications don't start again...
Ciauz
Lover Boi

Ba-ke-ro!!!!

Hello and welcome again to another episode of my life,
Well, after 1 week, Bro.G and I met again to have our discussions. Well I didn't manage to complete the task that was supposed to be completed and so we couldn't move on with our progress... The thing is, I just don't know what to say and how to say it. But never mind that.

Anyway, our conversations came to a very much related but 'different way of putting it' question, 'Who are you? Who is Lover_Boi (real name used of course)'. Simple question, but not easy to answer. The answer he asked for is suppose to be from my perspective. The worse part is, my answer has to reflect what I am today from every aspect (be) and must reflect the future that I may/will follow (being). How on Earth do we think of that? Not the easiest thing to think of I must say.

Then we went back into the earlier part of the convo*, that we need to resolve the first part of the whole situation, the suppressed anger that has been accumulated in me. Task? The same like before, write to my late father, expressing everything I never managed to expressed and tell him everything that I want to tell, let out my anger and feelings for him. Again simple, but not easy. And then he said something that I knew was there, I was scared. Scared of the change that may happen if I did what I needed to do and let everything out.

Well, this may help me, may not as well. The thing is, Bro. G used to be a successful lawyer, and a top scorer for psychology, either way, he will get me. Problem there.. haha... But yeah, thats the joke.

Btw, Saturday nite, sister and I didn't sleep. She (younger than me) was busy playing poker online till 5 something AM, I was busy playing Pokemon. Another joke isn't it? haha.. Sorry la, can't help it.

Lover Boi

Inconvenient Truth

Hey there guys and Atiqah (hahaha...),

Well, yesterday was a long day at church, they had this full day adoration of the Blessed Sacrament and different groups were taking turns to spend time there to pray. I was, well, outside the building itself having some serious and also not so serious discussions with a priest-to-be and my godfather.

After spending along while digging as much as I could from Bro. G (the priest to be) about his decision to be a priest ( from successful multimillionaire lawyer to give up everything , its bound to draw your attention isn't it? ), and so I manage to get the story I wanted to hear, but then talks from him as the subject somehow switched to me. And so I had to tell my story as it is, not had, I was completely honest with him even though it was our second meeting (surprising since I couldn't speak to any church person about this). He asked me this and that up to the most personal details of my life (every aspect), and he, like my godfather has mentioned before, concluded that a part deep inside of me, was having problems with my father, my late father's omission (the things he didn't do). Dad and I never really had a relationship, the day to day routine was, 'Morning Pa, Hi Pa, Good Night Pa'. Pathatic isn't it? But yes, that was it. I don't blame him, it was the language barier that stopped my father from talking and being with us. But then I do feel a little sad that we never really got to know each other.

Anyway, I never realised ( if what they say is true) how much this thing has influenced me. Bro. G says that it has led me to look for this affection from other sources. He kept asking me how I feel, but I could not answer he's question, not at all. I had a mixed feeling in me, never really took the time to sort it out. Whenever it came to my father and me, I just brushed it off. Remembering nothing happy of my father and me.

I never took my godfather seriously when he said it before, thinking that it was nothing since i've let my father go a long time ago, but then... If Bro. G could sense that I was angry inside, then there must be something I should do. Anyway, the plan now is to look at this problem and solve it. Perhaps then I could find some peace.

Lover Boi

Apologies..

Dearest Readers,
I need to apologise over my last 2 postings, which I have already deleted. I'm sure if you guys read it, that it was rather, well emotional instead of rational. I wasn't speaking properly. Yes, I know its my blog and I intended to pour my heart and soul into this blog, but then I would like to put a good image as well.

I would like to give special credit to my beloved PLU friend, Mr. S, for talking things through with me and well, knocking some sense into me. I truly appreciate it, my friend.

Lesson is, not caring is not the answer to the problem, as Mr. S said, you can only avoid it for so long, but it will come back and haunt you later on. And that is worse. Care, yes, but there is a way to care and apparently I wasn't caring the right way. I was being selfish. I'm sorry friends (those of you who keep track of my story) and especially you, Sayang. I love you...

Anyway, I just had a thought, well a few times already actually, maybe its time I introduce the Bf here and let us share this blog. It would be quite fun I believe. Since I am no longer myself, but my sayang as well. Why not right? Till next time... Take care... Stay tuned..

Lover Boi ( no longer Hollow Boi)

Stage 1 , 2 or 3 ?

Good day dearest readers,
I went to church earlier just now, by myself. (just felt like it was the thing to do at the time) Anyway, an outsider priest led the service and gave his sermon. There was one part that caught my attention dearly and it got me thinking... This is what he said..

' Well there are different kinds of love, a lot of people look for convenience now, but what is love then? Why did you all get married to whoever you are married to? At first it was all, 'you hang up first la.. no you hang up first... I'll wait for you...' all that sweet playful playful... Just hang up la, what is there... haha... That is the start of every relationship... Is that why you got married? and there is stage 2. Stage 2 is when you guys go a little more physical and romance and all... is that why you got married? no right... But then there is a 3rd stage where they actually come to realisation that it is the company of the person that they enjoy and need most.. Its the company... Now that is the right reason to get married. Through thick and thin, still stick to each other.. There is no such thing as jumping into the 3rd stage straight, all must go through the 2 stages first..... bla bla bla'

Yeah, thats what caught my attention. I started to think of the position I am in and my relationship. I realised, that even though, we have been in this relationship for about 4 months now, I have moved on to the last stage.. I need the Bf's company, his presence. Just this one week without him has already drawn me quite up the wall. Thats how I look at my relationship, at stage 3 with the person I love most in the world...Even if we may fight every few days or less, our company, just our company is the most important aspect. I believe that he is also in the same stage. But you'd be surprised at the number of people who are on stage 2 and think that everything is good...

Of course right, who would say that they are not stage 3 but other stages... Doesn't leave a good impression... In the end, its sincerity regardless of whichever stage you are at that counts the most when you start taking a step....

Lover Boi

Testing The Waters..

Hey readers,
Just recently, on wednesday night, I was driving mum to church for some meeting there.. During the journey, I asked her about the priest, whether he asked her anything about me or not. I'll do this in convo style so you guys would understand.
Me: Mom, did Father ask you about me and why I not active in church and all ar?
Mom: No, we've been too busy, no chance to talk to him also. Why? You still not talking to him?
Me: Nope. Don't intend to. But he talked to me the other day.
Mom: What he said?
Me: Well, asked me how I was. I ask him back. Then I kept quiet, refused to strike conversation. He told me abit about the church condition now, and then he asked me whether there were alot of activities going on in school. Told him there wasn't. Then He asked what I did nowadays. Said I sat at home doing nothing la. (He kept quiet after that, probably comfirmed that I was angry at him or the church. Btw, I don't talk to him in church or anything, he sees me from a far, but I ignore him and do my thing normally, still pissed probably.) Then I went off.
Mom: Why? You should go and speak to him and talk things out. Don't hold a grudge inside.
Me: Whats the point?
Mom: Well, you'll feel better when you let it out and talk things through.
Me: No point. What could possibly make me feel better, what is said is said, there is no taking back.
Mom: Is there no forgiveness in your heart?
Me: Maybe I've forgiven him already, I just don't want to talk to him.
Mom: You haven't forgotten it. You've forgiven but not yet forget. You should go talk to him.
Then the convo ended.
Later it continued after the meeting.
Me: I thought about what you said, but even if I talk to him, what am I suppose to expect to hear? He cannot take back what he said, he won't have any excuse... What should I expect to hear?
Mom: you should forgive and forget lor.
Me: Forgetting, and forgetting him along. What is said is said, cannot take back. When I first joined, I was very loyal, very regular, he said ' when get girlfriend sure will stop being like this wan'. I've been in and out of relationships this whole time, and now only suddenly it became a problem that I need an assistant just in case I get Gf and suddenly get busy? If he don't trust me, then there is no point to it dy. He can say good bye to our friendship also. If I talk to him, what should I expect to hear? Nothing he can say is going to make me feel any better for sure. You can think of any excuse ar?
Mom: Maybe he got reason he did this? Maybe he had some rules to follow, thats why? (She knew why, just didn't want to admit it, she is the one who told the priest about me, complaining and asking how to handle the situation)
Me: See la how.. When the time comes, or maybe never.
Convo ended again.

Caught mom there. She is really trying her best to keep her secret, not knowing that I already know. I don't blame her for seeking help, problem is, she jeapourdised my friendship with the priest. Let her bear the guilt of it silently as well. She could have spoken to other priest, but she spoke to my friend, and it jeapourdised the friendship... Sure was fun testing the waters though, see how she can tahan and make excuses. Will update you guys if I ever talk to the priest over this.

Lover Boi

Always something to learn..

Hey there guys,

Well, ever since I've been with the Bf, we've been through some wonderful experiences.. Many with our families and how we get to learn about each other... The boy has mention many times, how much he disliked his family, how much he wanted to move away... How much he didn't care about his family.

Just 4 days back, his grandpa, Gong Gong (Lets call him OM, OldMan), passed away. After spending for more than a week in 2 different hospitals, he passed on. The boy had to spend a night at the hospital with him, I kept him company, after his constant tantrum and complaints and unleashed anger at me, I thought that perhaps I could do a little to help by being with him that night. He was a little better when I was there, slept through the night and all.. haha.. I on the other hand was watching OM and sacrifising my sleep. Anyway, OM still did pass on, glad I had the chance to be with him before he went.

So, as the following days came, I just went whenever I could, spending a little time there with the boy and helping to bank money (folding hellnotes). Even throughout this time we could still have arguments and all, 2 at that mind you.. All settled within the day, so no worries. But then, I noticed how much this boy was still a son in the family, doing his part (something I call Social Responsibilities). I realise that as much as he disliked (which I now truly doubt) his family, he still did his part. That his family meant something to him afterall, as much as he refuses to admit.

Other than the issue over which we argued about, I am rather proud of this rascal, of everything he is doing for his family. I suppose funerals and all, does remind people of how much their family means to them.. Sometimes too late, but in this case, it wasn't.. Thank God...

Lover boy..

A functioning relationship

Well, its been 3 months and 19 days since the BF ans I have been together. Still holding on to each other and still facing the world and all its challenges.

For the past few weeks, ever since the 'Bay incident' ( Oh... I never told you guys about the Bay incident... I will k.. soon.. ) , the relationship has been a real roller coaster, full of drama and heart pounding incidents of the happy and also sad types. Well, wasn't the easiest time for us also. I was getting pissed very often, very much like how the BF was initially in the beginning of the relationship... So many things that he does just seem to tick me off, sometimes just because he didn't meet my expectations. Other times, because he says the wrong thing at the wrong time, maybe the fight wouldn't have happened if I handled the situation better. Just maybe.

The only thing we haven't done is hit each other, we've shouted, argued, walked away, broke up a few times (he asked for the breakups, not me, but then he never meant it la), made a scene in public twice. I asked myself why is it that I am so angry at him, was it that the incidents and the mistrust had some psychological effect on me. But then when I look into his eyes, at his face, it just gives me that reassurance that everything is going to be ok. I feel so much at ease with him. That sweet face and that silly smile, those eyes that seem to look straight into my soul. I love looking at his face for that reason, just that quiet moment, staring at each other, ( he doesn't know how to appreciate moments like those) reminding me of how much he means to me, how much I want to be with him... How much I love him...

Maybe we have our fights very often, we both show our colours sometimes, but then to know that we love each other so much, despite all that happened. The fact the he still holds my hand, and I hold him after all that big fights, all that serious talk, those false alarm breakups. I dare say, that our relationship is going well and functioning at its best. We love each other... My silly monkey... I love you..

Lover Boy
Dedicated to the silly monkey boy...

Trouble starts...

After a series of blows within the relationship, things finally subsided (or so I thought)... Weeks of crying and getting hurt, one blow after another, I struggled to stay strong and keeping the relationship together. We talked about whatever happened, not in detailed, just generally ( never really had the time and the correct environment to talk) , the matter was settled with a conclusion and solution that we would turn a new leaf and start afresh, leaving the past where it is and looking towards the future.

I thought I had a chance the grasp and apply this after a few days of digesting it, just as it registered in my head and made me feel much better, the bf's father comes to visit him and the family. The parents had a discussion along with the grandmother, and a resolution was passed that they wanted the BF to change. Of course the BF, in love with me, argued all the way. That is the only consoling part, of course leaving aside the part that the he said if the father (who is a big time gangsta in Johor) was to threaten to kill him, he won't leave me. And if he was forced to, he will kill himself instead. That was a consolation and a whole other matter to be concerned about.

The most hurtful part was, that the mother, whose presence I was in for the past few months, actually said that. And my family actually GAVE them a bottle of Bailey's because she likes Bailey's that fine day itself.

Yesterday, as the Bf and I were having our regular arguments and row, suddenly she pops into the room and asks the bf, 'Arguing is it? Argue better la, let him fly off ( leave you / leave him )'I was like, 'WTF?!' We had another row over that matter after she said that. Which drew us to the end of our arguments as always, with a conclusion that we both loved each other and some consoling for him over his regret of being in such a family.

How am I going to approach this one, I wonder..... Nothing is ever easy....

Lover Boy

Regret?

Hey there Dearest readers,
Well, I quit my job last saturday... After 2 weeks and only 1 sale, yes, I quit my job... Thought I could get a better job to work with the sister's bf's company, however they don't hire people like me who can work but only half time because of the classes... Don't blame them though.

Anyway, I am now aimless and jobless again, and am hunting for a part time job again, with the same purpose as before, to generate more revenue and to save for the bf's education. So far, I called up one company, and OMG its another hotel thing again... I will most probably say no depending on the pay that is... If they can offer me something good, then perhaps I will excuse the job... But then another thought came to mind, the old company which I quit is willing to take me back if I need the job... I love that boss, its the job I hate... haiz... If only we could have the cake and eat it as well....

Anyway, wish me luck that things work out well for me k... I'll keep you all informed..
Ps: the bf and I are getting more and more loving and in love as each day passes....

Lover Boi

Depression....

Good day dearest readers,
Well, I started my telemarketing job on Monday, got the Tuesdays off because of studies, Wednesday onwards was working days for me except Sundays. Simple job, 3-4 hours a day, call as many people as possible, try our very best to convince them to buy our product, RM538 membership for Grand Millennium Hotel, Kuala Lumpur. So far, I only got praises from my boss and colleagues but no sale. And to me, thats a terrible motivator. So far my boss has tried a few means to motivate me, reminding me that each sale is revenue for me, she even offered me a free Rm200 buffet voucher for 2 at the Hotel if I get my 1 sale, which I still couldn't get... Those kind of motivation have no effect on me to be honest, its just that I hate the job. It is not my thing..

My mother and my boss at the work place has been telling me that this is a good start to character building. But on the other hand, I keep recalling the words of a good friend of mine, 'If you don't like what you are doing, you will find excuses to not do it..' So I am in the middle of this dilemma.. The other side of the story is I need the money, even if it's a few hundred... And I want to save for my dearest boy, the love of my life... I wonder if there are any similar jobs, but regarding helping people with their problems... There is something called befrienders, but mum says they are on a volunteer basis... But lets try to check it out... I would love to do somethng like that, gives me the satisfaction to help people, and at the same time get some revenue... I don't mind if they pay little, but at least there is a satisfaction and of course I would like to earn some revenue of course... Any ideas?

Lover Boy...

A Relationship eh?

I need to start shortening the intros. So that the posting will be short as well. Hope you guys understand.

I was having a little disagreement with my friend, D, the other day while we were chatting. He was telling me how he was in a relationship with this other guy, but then sleeping with other guys as and when he wants to. (they agreed in an 'open relationship' of some sort) Yes, he told me he loved his Bf.

This was so disturbing to me. Why would a person who was deeply in love with another, go have one of the most precious experiences that 2 people could have, with any (quote from P) Tom, Dick and Harry that he feels like sleeping with? Doesn't that in a sense, defeat the purpose of actually having a relationship to begin with? The reply I received was, 'you still young and fresh, you don't understand'

Maybe I don't, but there must be some lines in a relationship. What is a relationship if you're allowed to cheat? To sleep with any guy you feel like sleeping with? In my personal opinion, a relationship is something 2 individuals get into with each other, and put everything they can into that relationship. It is a process of giving and giving and giving, all while loving the other person, selflessly and sincerely. These 2 people, adjust their lifestyles, change a little, making a few adjustments here and there, setting priorities, so that the other can fit into each others lives. All this being done willingly, without being told to do so, in other words, being aware of your partner's consciousness and presence - Sharing The Heart and Mind Of Your Partner.
Taking each other as an end, and not as a means. Now, this is something I call a relationship.

Perhaps some of you may have something to add into this... Do feel free to share, and those of you who are interested in topics such as these, please do add yourselves as followers of my blog. Thanks...

Lover Boy

The past me...

Welcome back dearest readers and followers. This entry is going to be about the past 'ME', not everything of course.. A little here and a little there, somethings that I used to be so sure of.
Here are a few characteristics that I for one used to have... Something that made me who I was at a time...
Happy-go-Lucky. The mindset of being contented with whatever that is in front of us, never saying that this is not enough or that is not enough. Never complain about anything, always happy in a sense. I had no goals, no dreams, no hopes (perhaps a little, but then never high) , whatever I got was good enough for me. Never had a worry in the world. People would ask me 'D, what you going to do later on?' the reply was always ' wait for inspiration la, whatever comes along comes la, cause I believe if I want, I can do anything' That was my concept from before, still is today, so highly confident of myself that I can achieve anything, what is lacking is the desire. So the idea was simple, if it happens, it happens.
What I want, when I want. I used to be a person full of myself that I could do what I want, when I want. ( Of course what I want was very simple, a few games of DDR, sitting by the road side and eating my favourite Tau Foo Fa or Rojak, cycling in the evenings) Yes, those were the things I used to do, nothing ever more than the budget of a few bucks. I never went for movies, never went shopping. Nope, my life was the simple kampung boy or less lifestyle. Simple person, mostly because I never had the means ( means = money), but still happy with what I had. Imagine RM150 can last throughout the month without a worry... Thats how simple and inexpensive I was. Very kampung.
Mummy's boy. I used to be very much as it says there.. Everything I did was with the mother (dun get the wrong ideas !! ) , going out for supper, shopping, yeah, those stuff.... Mostly because she is my mother, and when I got out with her, I get alot of things I can never afford on my own, especially good meals on request. Wherever Mary went, the lamb was sure to follow. This is also because of the instilled responsibility of being the only son in the house, and to help the mother whever I can. Whenever mum went to visit relatives and all, I was sure to follow. 1- I am the son, I represent my father. 2 - Thats the only way I get to go out without worrying about spending money. 3 - I go places that I normally wouldn't go.

Today, these things have changed, by quite a bit may I admit. I am no longer as how I used to be. Lets touch on the final one first, I dunnoe what to say on this... I think its time... Me and my times, and mum and her times...
Mum used to be a workoholic may I mention, she would work for hours and hours until late at night, imagine leaving at 7am and coming home at about11pm? There was a time mum used to come home a bit early when papa was alive. Even after that, she used to come home quite early, until that fine day when she got promoted. Thats when all the trouble started again, and the late hours were no longer unusual. I in my boredom, would actually go and sit in the lobby of her office waiting, several hours at a time, the least was 30 minutes. Then my bf came into my life, my attention switched to his cause now. Every day, mostly nights, i would be in front of the computer, chatting with him or just plain looking at him through the cam. Every now and then I would make a trip to his place or he to mine. (thank god we live near by). So, even when mum changed jobs, and started working for her aunty, coming home early and all, I barely talk to her. Occupying myself with the boy, or out some where... The saddest part, when I am with her also, we barely talk. I'm sure you heard the story in one of the blogs.
Weekends when mum is free, I am either at the boy's place, or doing something else, and when I ask mum to go out with me, she is always too busy, or tired. When she goes to the relatives place and all, I no longer follow her, prefering to spend time with the boy and all, not wanting to miss him. Even for a few hours. Thats how much I diverted my attention.

Happy-go-lucky? More like Happy-no-happy now... So sad, once without a worry in the world, today, wishing I had more money I could spend with the boy and for myself. Going here and there, wishing we could do this or that, but barely possible, due to my so so so so little allowance. Attempting to find a part time job to overcome this problem, but so far to no avail. The boy, he has to work first before he can actually finance his education, I feel so jealous that he actually is earning money, alot more than I get as allowance, and sad that I cannot also do the same to help lighten his burden. I too would like in some way help him finance his education, its not fair that he has to work to study and I do not.. I wish I could do something to help.

Now, I worry about everything, from what my family thinks and feel about me, to the future of what I am going to be, to help the boy achieve his dreams and keep him comfortable with minimum financial worries. Of course he would be working as well, but I want to be able to take care of him in sense... To be able to spend whenever we feel like it, of course I would still keep to my chinaman concept of being stingy. But then for him, anything I am willing to give... Thats what I hope my future would be like, some day. I hope some day, I will be able to.... I'm gonna start with a part time job if I can find one and start helping in whatever way I can...

Another part of me for your entertainment....OMG, I'm an entertainment..hahaha.... Nyway, tune in for my next post k... Thank you very much, my dearest readers.. Muacks....

Lover Boy

Former post - Well, this is how things came continued..

Dearest readers.. As I promised, how I came to know the first official BF… This was what happened, as usual thanks to the help of the many social websites I’ve become associated to, people add me up or I add people up in friendster…. Half of them I wouldn’t remember who… The other 40% I will remember for a week or so before I finally give up waiting for a reply… and the remaining 10% are the ones that become my friends, whom I take pride in knowing… Anyway, one fine fine day, a random guy just said ‘hi’ to me on MSN… not that its uncommon for me… and I said hi back… we started chatting the compulsory introductory conversations… (you know what I mean).. and then it ended… A week later, this same guy started chatting with me in the middle of the night… that was about 11 something I think.. And I being a smart ass easily influence by a good conversation, played along and actually enjoyed myself chatting with this guy.. The funny thing is, that night, the chatting wasn’t about social chatting anymore… I like most of the time, was horny… And so was he.. We were like flirting with each other all night… This carried on until the wee hours of the morning about 4am I think… OOO… I forgot to mention, I asked him from which website he managed to get my email from since I don’t remember giving it to him… ( Hey! I’m no silly feller simply giving out my email to people ok… I give it to people whom I find interesting and want to know better…) Anyway, he then told me a funny story… He said, his friend in the interest of helping him, decided to create an account for him in a social website.. Found my name, and added me into his Msn… therefore, I call this incident of knowing him, a very lucky meeting…

back to the story, so.. we felt like how people feel when they like someone new… But then unexpected words seem to have come out.. He said that he felt that we were boyfriends already.. I being so facinated and mesmerized by this coincidence, also tried to avoid such an incident.. He started saying that he loves me and all.. And I was abit scared to say what I do not mean… Anyway, I liked him, and so I asked him just before we went offline, whether this was how we started.. And he said YES.. And tada. Thats how things started off… We met a week or so later… Only met a few times throughout our whole period together actually.. This guy is from Ipoh and I never get the chance to see him often… However after a while, I started to lose interest… I have said things I shouldn’t have said during the relationship… but then as you guys sure have heard before, love blinds people or something like that… Anyway, we broke up after a while.. I just stopped replying him and messaging him.. Waiting for the right time and situation to tell him my intention… That day never came along until I found my current BF… I couldn’t wait any longer to tell him, it would be unfair to him… And so, thats how that relationship ended… and a beautiful new one started… I’m sorry I’m not saying much about what happened in our relationship, its for personal reasons I don’t want to mention these things… Hope you readers may forgive me… What I want to focus upon, is telling you guys about the current relationship and all the drama that we had to go through… which, I don’t think I will finish in one posting… and like before, many incidents I will not include in the postings.. But I do promise some incidents that are sure to catch your attentions.. haha..

I suppose thats it for this ‘episode’ of my interesting love life… for those of you who couldn’t find the last posting, please type ‘time to let go’ into the box at the side of the screen… I myself am not sure where that posting went… haha… Anyway, stay tuned to the interesting story of me and my life…

Lover Boy

Former post - Well, I believe its time to let go.

Let me begin my story with a little history… I am a simple mixed race boy brought up in a family that speaks English, except for the Father. Sent to Chinese Primary to ‘educate’ chinese into me.. Which succeeded mostly. Continued in Malay Secondary due to hate of Chinese. Anyway, the story everyone has been waiting for.. The Gayhood.

At the age of 11 or 12, I always had a fascination on other guy’s private. I always thought it was.. well.. interesting. This fascination carried on to secondary school… I had crushes here and there… Watched gay porn and all… Even got caught once by mom at around 13 or so.. Anyway, she ignored it after telling me off. When i was 14, I started getting close to guys that I thought was…’interesting’ at the time… Most of them were younger… Always wanted to be near them and chat with them and all… This carried on until one day when one of them actually spoke to me about sex, and then things flowed until he ended up my boyfriend for a while. Until we fought over something and then things stopped for a while… At 16, it started again.. The same guy, we got back together and all.. But it lasted only for a little while again.. However this time, it struck me.. That I AM gay.. or at least had the option of being one.. WHich never left my mind ever since… I had a girlfriend here and there, looked at guys and all.. and things just stayed that way… Every now and then I would tell my friend, I want to be gay, or i give up being gay… Those were the childish days of course, at 17. 18th birthday came, and then I came into full consideration whether I was gay or not… I did so many researches here and there to help me decide.. Many of which actually did indicate that I am what I am.. But I just couldn’t accept it.. DIdn’t want to allow myself to be like that.. Talked to a few friends about it, had some direct questions thrown at me… But I chose to ignore them and not answer… Not because I am afraid or anything, but because there was a sense of uncertainty. By then I had already joined a website and friendster of course, both of which allowing me to gain access to the gay community, with the initial thought of learning what gay is… I even started meeting people from these websites… Some even traveled some distance just to meet mem which I am very grateful of… One day, I just thought about it more and more… And finally justified it with myself, that I wouldn’t be what I am if it wasn’t meant to be… And so, the official Gay David came to be..

Met one person after another, all telling me that I should have sex.. Some even thought me how to, verbally of course… Some made fun of me that I was still a virgin… I never actually wanted to rush directly into it.. Behind my mind, everytime they asked me what role i was, thought to myself, I dunnoe, both seems fun… Anyway, yeah… That was how everything started to begin with…

Our next episode will be on how I came to know my first official gay boyfriend… Stay tune in this story of mine, as it becomes more and more interesting… before I finally reveal to you readers, why i started blogging..

The CHURCH and I

Good day there dearest readers,
I'm gonna apologize to you guys for not keeping my word... I believe I mentioned in the last posting that I may speak about Mr. and Mr. Valentine in this posting.. Instead, I will be telling you about church in relations to me. ( for you maths people, its differentiate ( D church / D me ) ...hahaha...)

This was how it used to be... I was brought up as a Catholic ever since I was an infant. Every Sunday since 6 years old, I attended Sunday School (Catechism of the Catholic Church classes) until the age of 17 years of age. Every Sunday, they tell us this or that or another thing about God... Some of the teachers will bad mouth the other churches, some other religions and all during that period of time.. Of course all that would have to stop at certain age when we were capable of arguing... And so we heard about this part of the church, of that part of the church... And I think, after so long of listening to them, I don't think they even really read the Catechism of the Catholic Church to begin with. Anyway, and so we were there all these while, learning to be Good Christians or something like that. At 14 years of age, I decided to join the Altar Servers. ( these are the people you see in movies during weddings and all in churches, are standing next to the priest at the altar) after much prompting by the old French priest who used to serve our church. When he left, I joined the Society, hoping that with a new priest, there would be new things and so I can start from scratch along with everybody else.. I learned everything from scratch, enough for me to know why certain parts of the service is conducted and all.. Most of the altar servers would only just do what they are told and thats it.. I made it personal. Making an effort to be there whenever there is service during the weekends, starting a trend of attending service twice a week..
After several years with the altar servers, I became the most frequent and sort of the most responsible/dedicated altar server among the lot. The priest requested that I head the society. And so I with great honour, to up to the task. It wasn't easy at first, to tackle several problems within the altar servers, but in the end I manage to. That was when it first started in 2007. After that, I began to take up my personal interest of singing by joining the choir. (I loved to sing, I sang through high school, being in the music class and all).. And so I did so, also with an aim, to improve the choir which was very often short of members. That was my goal when joining the choir other than to indulge in my personal hobby. That was also in the year 2007, the end of it I think..
Recently, after my mother found out about my state of being WHAT I am. She was finding it hard to accept, and of all people she ran to, to talk about this was the priest, whom with I had a personal friendship. This news I received from my sister 2 days after she returned from National Service. I was so terribly dissapointed to receive that news, because just a week back, the priest asked me a question he had never asked before, 'Do you have an assistant in the altar server's society?' When I told him no, he said 'You better find somebody and train him up la, because you'll be busy and all.. If you have a girlfriend or anything then gone.' This conversation took place the week before. He and I used to be rather close may I say, we used to talked about things and I treat him like a friend, but after I found out this bad news, my perception towards him changed completely. I got angry at both him and mom (my mom this time). How can she have ran to him, who was my friend? And his reaction? All so dissapointing. (Part of a priest job is to counsel people and to keep their secrets with those he counsels.) But then in this case, although he did keep his promise of secrecy, he reacted in such a way.... I have been having relationships all the while throughout my time in the altar servers, and now suddenly it became an issue? After all my dedication I put in, I lost hope and motivation.
I reacted immediately by finding replacements and will be waiting to depart from the altar servers. It had been in mind for some time now, the thing is, I wanted to leave at my own time, not when somebody ask me to.. Especially my superior, in a way like he lost confidence in me.. And now I have absolutely no mood to go to church, no mood for anything related to church, not only that, I want to quit everything I have to do with the church. Other than going to church whenever it is necessary. That means I will be leaving even the choir, the only chance to sing in public ( the church folks actually like my voice when I sing and chant if I may say) , the altar servers with whom I have grown to know and understand more about the church, my friendship with the priest and everything else that is related to church except the friends of course.. Some only that is, most of them I wouldn't mind unknowing them, again sorry to say la.
All this for the sake of being WHAT I am and what church people will think of me and all.. All this so that I can love my boy more and more... So that I can worry and think less of my responsibilities for his sake. Oh...Did I mention that the Catholic Church and most Christian denominations are against homosexuals? Well, they are... Perhaps the priest did what he did because he thought that when people find out, they may begin to doubt my credibility with their sons. But I still think the idiot should have consulted me first, if he doesn't dare to, then I should be left with my own choice of leaving which was very soon already... Not exactly the way I planned to leave, but at least I'm leaving. Thats one good news for me I think... Good luck to C and D who will be taking my place governing the little rascals.
Anyway, that is my relationship with the church, at the brink of complete divorce. Though I will still attend service and all, other than that, nothing to do with the church. Another part of my life currently, look out for the next part which I hope will be posted soon enough... Regards my dearest readers and followers. Again, thank you for your kindness...

Lover Boy, not in love with the church anymore...

A wonderful experience...

Several weeks ago, I was at the boy's place making one of my usual visits there in the evening.... While we were at the kitchen talking with mum (the bf's mother) and all, suddenly mum asked me whether I was having my school holidays on the 16th like all the other schools.. I answered her, but what came after that was very unexpected. She asked me to follow her and the family up to Genting for a 1 night stay... the feeling I felt then, a feeling of acceptance... It made me feel less comfortable going over to his place after that... As time passed, the boy got his job and all.. And I thought that the trip with him up the highlands was canceled, however several days before that fine day, mum offered to buy the boy a couple of MCs so that he could go... When I was informed, I was quite surprised. And by the way, they took me up to Genting with them 2 days before the actual trip... Thats how often mum likes to go to Genting..

And so that fine day came, I went to the boy's place at about 12 after going for a interview (which is another matter I am still awaiting news of). Anyway, we spent some time at the house before actually making the trip up to Genting.. That was about 6 hours later after waiting for mum's dad to arrive and all... We took the cab up there cause there were not enough cars.. Reaching there, we had to wait for several hours before we actually got our rooms... And little did I suspect, we bumbed into Z and her family. (Z is a friend of mine whom I had known for several years from church, and I also recently told her about my status as a PLU..) I informed her of my trip up to Genting and what a coincidence that she was also going up there as well... AND IT WAS S's birthday as well that fine day... (S is Z's sister).. Then they went off for dinner but we agreed to meet up later on..

And so we went to our rooms, (the boy was rather upset because J who was suppose to be taking care of I as well, decided to go tackling girls and forgot his responsiblity, showed his temper at me instead.... refuse to talk and all, and then made me feel so sad cause he said ' I brought you up here to have fun with you', I was like, ' I know, but I cannot leave my friends jsut like that can I?' He then took a shower without talking to me, he did get a little better after that though) and then out again because mum wanted to go to the casino, and we had to babysit I. And so J ( the brother-in-law), the boy and myself were roaming around with a baby in our hands... We went to the arcade and met up with Zarrah and all there... After several hours, we went up to the room to wait for mum to return... The plan was to go clubbing that fine day.. (for the first time in my life, i was going clubbing).. Mum came back and we I with her and off we went, all excited. We reached the club, and wanted to enter, we 3 guys made it through quite easily. However, trouble started when the girls wanted to enter, the policemen, (police again...haiz..) decided to ask the girls for their IDs which they could not produce because of the fact that they were still underage.. And so we went off elsewhere hoping that the boy would be able to get the DJ in touch and smuggle the girls in, but all to no avail. We continued roaming and then an idea came into the boy's mind, lets go to the pub to drink.. And we all were like, 'OK, lets go..' Since we were all bored and dissapointed of the fact that clubbing was cancelled. So we went and got ourselves some beers, and we were sitting in the middle of the pub with all sorts of older men and women around us... SOme staring since we were actually the youngest there... We thought it was just a drinking session, little did we expect there was a performance by a LIVE BAND. So so we were singing and drinking with the music.. We actually broke one bottle accidently and wasted 1 beer, ON MY PANTs. Yes, it was wet... haha... But the drinking continued with the ordering of another bucket and another after that... Anyway, while listening to some music, the singers actually called us out to go and dance in front of the stage.. The 3 of us, S the Boy and I, took the challenge, not wanting to dissapoint the singers. And so we went dancing to the music.. J and Z were too shy for this, sitting at the table enjoying the show.. (did i mention that they were both quite attracted to each other?) Anyway, we dance and went back to our sits. After that, they played a love song, 'The Power OF LOVE', I'm sure you guys have heard of it.. The boy suggested that we 2 go out and dance, slow dance that is... I was like, 'are you sure?' He said yes, but we still waited for a while... And we weren't really hiding ourselves, cause we kept giving each other light pecks on the cheeks throughout the whole session. And so we took the stage again, huggin each other and dancing slowly to the love song, all eyes were on us, including those of the lead singers, one even pretended to cry (trying to say what a lost of opportunity for them because we were PLU).. At the end of the dance, we gave each other another kiss in front of all those people, and surprisingly, they actually applaused to our cause... I was like 'wow!' We took our sits again, and at last, the boy actually offered me a cigarette, which I was asking for quite some time already because he himself was smoking and all... But refused to let me smoke.. This time, I got my chance... And so that was my first full cigarette with the Bf after declaring our love for each other in the sight of so many people... I forgot to mention, he even got down to his knees during our dance to offer me a sort of flower like object, in front of so many people... I was truly touched by the scene... And after the whole drinking and self declared clubbing session, we made off.. For a walk at first before returning to the room... S, surprisingly was drunk... She was walking left and right, refusing to take any of our hands... Made me quite worried though, what if her mom found out, or what if she fainted... Btw, she is only 15... haha... Started saying all sorts of funny stuff... and couldn't remember it the next day when we asked her.. hahaha....

At about 3.30am, we all went back to our rooms, after sending the girls off that was... Went to the room, and surprisingly, we couldn't sleep.. Mum was awake, asked us to go buy back some food to eat.. The boy and I went for another walk downstairs that means...

We came back with the food and all... And the 4 of us ate and then finally slept.. The boy and I both slept in each others arms, his head on my chest... And that was how we slept the whole night... And next to him, was mum... haha... She was totally fine with it, thats the best part...Not only that, mum actually talks with me... (in a sense that she accepts me, which I am totally greatful of).. How many mums would actually allow such things? Not many I think...

Anyway, we were up and about quite late the next day, we went to the archery range and shot some arrows with Z and S. Then headed for buffet lunch, but J didn't really eat much because he was thinking of Z who wasn't with us then. Then off we went to the rooms with the girls again, don;t worry, nothing happened.. 2 gay boys won't do anything to the girls.. haha.. We waited as mom went out to the casino again.. and later at night, we left for home...

Of course there are many incidents that I have not mentioned here which actually happened on that Hill... Some too personal, some not very nice... But most of the story is there.. Just thought I could share it with you readers... Stay tuned, as I slowly but surely will be adding more stuff into this blog... Perhaps the next one I will put in the story of Mr. and Mr. Valentine... that would be fun... with the police incident.. Anyway, stay tuned... Thanks for reading..

Lover Boy..

The REASON

Dearest readers and friends, it has been way too long since I've delayed the answering of the most important beginning of my blog postings... THE REASON...
Well, this was how the story went... There was this day, one of those days when there was 'drama' at home regarding me... The main actors in this drama were my mom and sister if I've not forgotten... ar... I remember it now... My mother used to cry everyday, of course I was never aware of it... Neither were the rest of my family.. But then my elder sis who sleeps with mum every now and then would notice.. Then she'll come to me and say that its my fault 'Do you know mom is crying every night because of you?' That is what I will normally get.. I've explained to mom and sis before that this is who I am... Mind you this explaining and arguing argument happened a few times and the main one lasted for a few hours... Weren't the easiest times for me.. Back to the top, I would then approach mum and ask her whats wrong... May I say, I am not the type who delays facing social problems... Especially when it comes to relationships.. Better to have this kind of thing fixed fast is what I believe..
Anyway, mum would say that its not me, its herself.. After I start arguing with her for a while... But then she would then blame me for making this choice, this and that.... And then she would say its not me, its her... I would be like WTF? Of course I'll never say it out loud, but then... And may I say this wasn't the first time such things have happened... I cannot run to the boyfriend and tell him that now can I? I would be no different from my mother who blames me but says its not me but her... I've spent too much time crying into my pillow and hoping for a better future... To keep all that sorrow inside... Even as I type this, there are tears in my eyes... The question that came to my mind was, who do I turn to? Friends? I don't complain about anything... I don't like to complain... Too proud to take pity from others... I don't know what to do with that pity as well... My boyfriend? How can I mention this kind of things to him... I don't want him to leave me... But then I still tell him when he insist... It'll make him feel guilty, yes, but then...haiz.. I dunnoe anymore. Where else can I turn to if not to you people who are willing to listen to my sorrows... That is why the name of the blog in friendster was called No Where Else... I really have no where else to turn to.... All I can do now is turn to you and cry on your digital shoulders, hoping that someone actually listens to me....
I'm sorry, this posting is quite emotional.. Thats why I tried to delay it a little more.. But then, sometimes its just so hard to keep it in any longer...... Thank you for listening dearest readers and friends...

Lover boy...